Wow! Twitter Hasn’t Banned a President of the United States in Over Five Months!

Holy smokes! It’s hard to believe, so you better be seated before you read this epic news that just broke from California’s Swilly Corn Valley! Are you ready? You’ve been warned.

Twitter hasn’t banned the President of the United States from its platform in over five whole months!

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It’s not a new record, per se. However, it is a current record, set after the current president defeated the former president in both an election and an insurrection.

Twitter was launched in 2006, back when George W. Bush was president. He, however, did not open an account on the microblogging social media site. The first president to have a Twitter account was Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya), and has still has yet to be kicked off Twitter, let alone while still the sitting president. However, in January of this year Jack Dorsey’s data mining operation threw former, one-term, twice permanently impeached President Donald J. Trump off its site permanently for inciting the deadly January 6th insurrection on the capitol, thus setting what many thought would be a new precedent.

“I suspect that over time, this will become a time-honored tradition in America, like hot dogs, apple pie, and systemic racism,” noted presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin said back in January. “It’ll signify the changing of the guard, as it were, from one administration to the next. The peaceful transfer of power will now almost certainly contain an emotional tantrum and being stripped of a social media account.”

However, at least if the first few months of the Biden administration set the pattern for the rest of his term, Goodwin may have not quite gotten her prediction right.

“Currently, the President of the United States is able to post to our website with no restrictions,” Twitter media representative Skippy Schoenweiss told us via Skype today. “It’ll remain that way as long as he keeps his account in good standing. So far, we show his violent mob incitement tweet count is still at zero.”

Schoenweiss says Biden does not have carte blanche on Twitter’s site, however.

“Look, if that changes, and he does foment a moronic mob’s anger to the point that they storm our capitol and try to unseat our government,” Schoenweiss explained, “we’ll take swift action. But a full 66% of sitting presidents with Twitter accounts have not been permanently suspended, so we feel we have crafted a fair policy for content moderation.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (Q-SC) isn’t so sure about that, however.

“Well, I think we very clearly have a two-tiered system. One the one hand,” Graham said to us, “we have Twitter telling Democrats their accounts are fine, and on the other you have Twitter pulling a Republican president’s account after one insurrection! I thought in this country we do everything by baseball rules, and President Trump ain’t gotten his third insurrection strike just yet, as far as I’m concerned.”

The Biden White House did not comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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