PA Supreme Court Affirms Rich Men’s Right to Rape

HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA — The Supreme Court of the State of Pennsylvania today affirmed the right of any rich man in the Keystone State to rape with impunity — provided there is a questionable deal to avoid prosecution between prosecutors and the rich rapist. In an unforeseen bombshell opinion, the Pennsylvania high court vacated the conviction of former pudding spokesman, veteran comedian, and platinum-selling recording artist/date rape drug connoisseur Bill Cosby, based essentially on a technicality.

As reported by NBC News, when former district attorney Bruce Castor made a non-prosecutorial agreement with Cosby, it effectively rendered the former TV star immune from charges stemming from his bargained-for testimony.

The court said that a prosecutor’s decision not to charge Cosby, 83, opened the door for him to speak freely in a lawsuit against him and that testimony was key in his conviction years later by another prosecutor.

Cosby was convicted in 2018 of drugging and sexually assaulting a woman in 2004, and was serving a three- to 10-year sentence. He has served nearly three years of the sentence. (NBC News)

As a result of today’s decision, Cosby was released from prison and cannot be charged again for the same crimes. Another result of today’s decision is that a longstanding legal precedent has once more been confirmed. The right of any rich man to rape at will has been a hallmark, cornerstone legal precedent for as long as courts and laws have existed.

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“The reason Cosby’s conviction and sentencing was so important was that it marked the first time in as long as literally anyone can remember that a rich rapist was put in prison,” legal scholar attorney and legal scholar Della Street told us. “Rapey rich guys usually end up as Hollywood producers, or Supreme Court Justices. The idea that a rich rapist might end up serving any time at all was preposterous before Cosby. For rape charges, instead of something like tax evasion? Insanely stupid to even debate it in law school.”

Street says that today’s decision will “buttress and fortify one of the most stubbornly persistent legal paradigms in the history of our species.”

“Rape was such a no biggie thing in the Bible that the punishment for it was mostly just being forced to marry your rape victim,” Street explained. “Thomas Jefferson famously and serially raped one of his slaves and yet he didn’t only serve no jail time, he’s still on American currency and considered a highly-respected Founding Father by millions of Americans. Rich rape qualified immunity took a real beating when Cosby was convicted, so getting it overturned sort of restores things back to their natural, patriarchal sexual assault-y order.”

Cosby served roughly two years of his ten year sentence.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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