TULSA, OKLAHOMA — As members of the American MAGAban enter the building to partake in tomorrow night’s Trump 2020 klanpaign rally, they’ll be directed to several booths. Those booths will be staffed by members of the campaign, and will be stocked with thousands of “Way Down in Dixie” cups, each filled with approximately one fluid ounce of an elixir that the campaign is promising will protect them from COVID-19 and other diseases.
“Upon arrival at the venue, MAGA cultists will be expected to check-in, and immediately head to one of our conveniently located medicinal booths,” Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale tweeted today. “There, they’ll be handed a fresh Way Down in Dixie cup with about an ounce of our Trump 2020 Brand Serpentine Grease and KKKool-Aid elixir. This protective KKKool-Aid will protect rally goers from COVID-19, windmill cancer, and formulating their own thoughts outside the MAGA bubble.”
Taking the KKKool-Aid will be mandatory, Parscale said. However, knowing that the president’s voting base doesn’t take well to being told what to do, or even being politely asked to do something to help stop the spread of a deadly disease, the campaign made sure to make the KKKool-Aid available in several flavors they believe Trump supporters will like. Parscale gave a preview of what some of those flavors will be.
“There’s Tobacco Juice Strawberry, Obama Was a Socialist Muslim Cherry, and Donald Trump’s Dick, which we expect to be the most popular flavor tomorrow night,” Parscale tweeted, “so make sure you get there early if you want a taste of what Dear President’s Ivanka penetrator tastes like!”
Tomorrow night’s rally will be the first in quite some time. The CDC, WHO, and the overwhelming majority of medical experts are still urging Americans to avoid large enclosed gatherings. In March the CDC issued guidance pleading with Trump supporters to stop sharing their hoods.
“Today the Centers for Disease Control would like to beg and plead with Trump supporters to use their own white hoods and only their own white hoods,” CDC Spokeswoman Allison DeGrille told reporters at a press conference. “Sharing hoods with your fellow klansman might be the hateful neighborly thing to do, but it’s also a tremendous way to spread the coronavirus, given all the snot and spittle that flies from your face when you’re shouting about white genocide.” (AltFacts)
But it wasn’t just hoods that the CDC wanted Trump supporters to stop sharing. In March, they urged MAGA fans to use their own robes, and to only light a cross with small groups of their fellow klansmen.
“In the same vein, the CDC strongly urges Trump supporters to use their own white robes and perhaps even consider only lighting a cross with less than ten other klansmen,” DeGrille said. “At least util this whole coronavirus thing blows over. In general, I’d say that things that are used like community property should be go to solo-use for a little while. For instance, if you and your friend Doug are eskimo brothers because you both regularly have sexual intercourse with your cousin, sister, or cousin-sister, we cannot suggest strongly enough that you consider at least a brief period of monogamy. Either you get your cousin, or Doug does, for the next couple weeks at least.” (AltFacts)
It’s not been announced whether the Trump campaign will enforce that guidance, or if they’ll allow rally goers to share hoods, robes, and cousin-sisters as they’ve become quite accustomed to.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.