Trump Says Bolton’s Book Contains Classified Lies and Top Secret Falsehoods

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether the White House officially admits it, President Donald Trump’s outward, public commentary seems to indicate that he’s at least a little anxious about the publication of a book written by one of his former national security advisers. This morning, Trump blasted Ambassador John Bolton’s memoir of his time in the Trump White House — a book that has been hyped for months and that the administration has made several attempts to stop from publishing — on Twitter. Trump stated that the book is “getting terrible reviews.”

In addition, Trump said that Bolton’s memori is a “compilation of lies and made up stories.”

Criticizing Bolton’s book for containing lies does seem to conflict with the Justice Department’s efforts to squash its publication, though. The memoir was in the works at the time of Trump’s impeachment crisis, and at the time the administration argued that it needed to be vetted for classified information. The DOJ filed an emergency injunction this week in attempt to stop the book’s publication, arguing that the book wasn’t properly vetted for top secret information. Mr. Trump’s press secretary batted away reporters’ questions when asked about this seeming incongruity of logic.

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“First off off,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters, “umm, fuck you! Seriously, fuck you. I’m allowed to say that. Second of off — I have here a binder full of semi-related mainstream media headlines I’d like to read you with a speed that would make Ben Shapiro jealous. Third of off — the president

“Why is this concept so hard for you losers to understand? The book is full of lies which aren’t true,” McDitzydick chastised reporters, “but that our Dear President has decided he must label classified for nationalist insecurity purposes! Jeez, pay attention, you idiots!”

Representatives for Mr. Bolton have not responded to the president’s attacks. Thus far, the book’s publisher has not announced any plans to pushback or cancel the release of Bolton’s memoir. On the Hill, Trump’s usual defenders lined up to bash Bolton.

“During the Bush years, I loved John Bolton,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Taint) told reporters, “but once John McCain died, I decided my war boner could go down a little and my fascist authoritarian boner could come up a little more. So, if you ask me, the president should have Bolton arrested for flagrant use of the First Amendment and felonious gossipping!”

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-The Local Bar) believes Trump’s assertions that the book is full of lies, but also that it must be kept from the American public for “security or whatever.”

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Look here you sonssssaaa bitches,” Gaetz slurred, “Iffff this fuckinnn’ president wants to do something, anything, and I mean, ANYTHING, WINK WINK DONNY BOY, I’m down with it. He’s a Republican. He’s white. I’m a racist who brought a holocaust denier to the State of the Union. Why are youuuu asholes evennn askin’ me? I’m late for Happy Hour, see ya later, cucks!”

On a potentially related note, the White House announced that they’ve called 1-800-ABCDEFG to order Hooked on Phonics for the president. That way, aides say, he’ll be able to understand what Bolton said about him, and they can focus on preparing the daily buckets of burgers he requires to maintain his energy and stamina. They’re hoping President Trump will be at a third grade reading level by the end of summer.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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