“I really think it makes sense for a dick like me to interview a couple of nuts.” – Tucker Carlson
Tonight, Fox News host and white supremacist Tucker Carlson will have a guest that is sure to make headlines the next day.
“I’m really excited to announce that on tonight’s show, we’re going to have an interview with someone who I think is really important right now,” Carlson teased during an appearance on the Fox News morning propaganda hour. “I’m going to sit down one-on-one with Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s testicles, and I am absolutely nutty about how fun this interview will be.”
Up until very recently, Minaj and Carlson being linked together in any way could be seen as a laughable proposition. However, both the rapper and the frozen food heir have one thing in common — spreading bullshit about COVID-19 vaccines. Yesterday, Minaj shocked Twitter users when she retweeted a video clip of Carlson defending Minaj, who famously upset American conservatives with her “WAP” track, dedicated to the moisture level of her genitals.
“I knew when Nicki was telling the story that something seemed wrong and impossible. Which is exactly the kind of fact-free, unscientific bullshit I like to spready about the vaccine I’ve already taken, twice,” Tucker explained. “So I reached out to her, and asked her if her cousin’s balls would like to come on the air and explain their side of the story. Needless to say, I was quite pleasantly surprised to hear his balls agreed to do the show.”
Minaj has come under scrutiny for casting doubt on the efficacy and safety of COVID vaccinations. The pop star used an anecdotal story about a cousin in Trinidad who got a vaccine shot and then experienced swollen testicles. When he heard her story, Carlson said, he felt a “bond and kinship” with Minaj’s cousin’s testicles.
“You have no idea how many times I’ve been called a ballbag or bell-end,” Carlson said. “I really think it makes sense for a dick like me to interview a couple of nuts. If Nicki gets in the mix, that’ll make three of them I can interview at once.”
Several leading groups of medical professionals have cast serious doubt on the story, and the health minister of Trinidad specifically debunked it, however Carlson told the automatons on Fox News this morning that he thinks he has a duty to ask Minaj’s cousin’s balls for the truth directly.
“I’ve always been willing to swing low and loose and find the answers my audience wants to hear,” Carlson explained, “even if the answers are totally made up and, quite frankly, stupid. I have a solemn duty to them to feed them the bias confirmation they need, and if a few thousand more die of a completely preventable disease, well, I guess that’s just the price to pay for true liberty and actual freedom.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.