A visibly excited Tucker Carlson announced on Fox News this morning that he would be flying to Moscow this weekend for the purpose of conducting what he called the “most important and consequential interview” of his career.
“Brian, let me tell you something. I sound and look so excited, and I have this burgeoning trouser tent here for one simple reason — I’m about to fly to go to Russia and do the most important and consequential interview I’ve ever done,” Carlson announced.
“I’ll be doing an exclusive interview with President Vlad Putin’s perfectly manicured, rose-smelling taint! Can you believe it? Just as the American regime weighs its options in confronting my pal Vladdy, I’m going to be sitting down with his perineum for a one-on-one with it! Talk about getting the scoop straight from the horse’s sexy, autocratic mouth!”
As excited as Carlson is to be interviewing Putin, who he described as “the alpha male Fasc-Daddy of my dreams,” he said there already appears to be some “professional fallout” from his decision to book Putin on his show.
“Apparently, Glenn Greenwald is extremely jealous and threatening to only appear on my show four times this week, instead of five,” Carlson divulged. “I’ll send him a nice 22 year old, and it’ll all work out fine, I’m sure.”
Carlson later tweeted that he meant to say “22 year old bottle of scotch” but that he was “rushed and forgot to finish my sentence.”
“Sure, Glenn’s had his mouth on and around plenty of human beings far too young for him to look anything but extremely creepy,” Carlson tweeted, “but that’s not what I meant to imply in this one, specific case.”
Putin told Russian media today that he agreed to let Carlson interview his taint because “nobody has really given it the right attention since that fat fuck lost his election and insurrection.”
“Nobody appreciates someone who sucks up to Vladimir Putin like me, Vladimir Putin. So I decided that Mr. Tucker Carlson should get a reward, as all my most loyal minions do, and agreed to let him polish and interview my taint,” Putin laughed. “We’ll see if he’s as good at it as Donny was, but it’ll just be nice for it to get some attention again.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.