Experts Agree: Four Out of Five MAGAS Can’t Make Their Cousins Climax

Fascinating new data from the National Institute of Boner and Contraboner Research might be quite devastating for residents of red states.

According to the NIBCR’s newly published report, 80% of males who self-identify as “MAGA” are unable to bring their sexual partner to climax. The other 20% don’t believe female orgasms are real, and are instead myths created by “Big Femi-Nazi” to shame men who can’t make their cousins cum.

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“Initially, we weren’t sure if this study would even produce results, given the number of incels that call themselves MAGA,” the NIBCR’s Dr. Benson Hornaydieux explained to reporters this morning. “However, to our surprise, it turns out that horny white nationalists have a steady supply of poontang, provided they have female cousins willing to fuck them. Once we established a pipeline to that kind of data, we were off to the races.”

When his team began to analyze the data they collected, it was “unmistakable” to them that a pattern was emerging. By the time they finished their work, Hornaydieux says he and his staff could say with relative certainty that about 80% of MAGAs “cannot and will not be able to get their cousins to the finish line, sexually speaking.”

“We also found it fascinating that the remaining 20% of the respondents indicated that they could make their cousins cum,” Hornaydieux said, “but that would only be if they didn’t believe that the female orgasm is a myth perpetrated by Big Femi-Nazi to destroy male influence and masculinity.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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