Investigators Find Justice Thomas’ Pubes on Forged Electoral Certificates

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to keep defeated President Donald J. Trump in power beyond when the Constitution provided for his departure from office, a wide-ranging scheme was concocted, according to several published accounts. In the wake of the 2020 election, Trump had lost to Joe Biden, but several prominent conservatives — including the wife of a Supreme Court Justice, devised and hatched a plan that included sending forged, fraudulent electoral certificates to federal election authorities, claiming Trump should get those states’ Electoral College votes.

Reports surfaced last week that Ginni Thomas, wife of renowned 80’s porno connoseirur and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, was one of the signatories on the forged certificates. While constitutional law scholars and experts might debate whether the forgeries and related scheme constitute a seditious conspiracy, still yet another wrinkle is now being reported. According to sources close to the situation, federal investigators have turned up evidence linking Thomas himself to the forged certificates.

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“As Johnny, Susie, and Billy — some of our top detectives — were cleaning up their work desks and putting files away for the night, they discovered a pubic hair,” the FBI source told us moments ago via Skype. “At that point in time, we began our DNA record search, looking for any possible matches.”

When the FBI’s investigators cracked open a file from Justice Thomas’ Senate Confirmation hearings, that’s when our source says they were able to “make a positive identification match” between the pube they found and Justice Thomas.

“Apparently someone had saved one of the infamous Coke can pubes, from the Anita Hill testimony. At the time, I’m sure it didn’t seem like it was something that should be saved,” our source told us. “However, several advancements in DNA sequencing technology have allowed us to determine that not only is the pubic hair we found one of Thomas’s, he’s the one who put his own pube on the Coke can, and then claimed to have found it, which is still, to this day, one of the most idiotic and strange ways to sexually harass a co-worker we have ever heard of.”

Justice and Mrs. Thomas could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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