SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Representatives from the two largest social media platforms in the world have issued separate statements of apology to the President of the United States after various pictures of him were removed from their websites mistakenly.
“This morning, it was brought to our attention that several photos that featured President Donald Trump were inadvertently removed by our systems,” Facebook’s automaton CEO Mark Zuckerberg wrote in a blog post, “and I am very sorry about that. Our filters are quite good at removing nudity and other sexual content, and we believe at this time that they were accidentally triggered by the photos of the president.”
Twitter’s CEO Jack Dorsey skied down a mountain of cash that was made from the profits Twitter attributes to the ads they sell based on Trump’s tweets, to address the same situation on his website.
“Yeah, so it was found out sometime this morning that pictures of Trump were being accidentally pulled down for violating our standards on nudity,” Dorsey said. “Keep in mind, we have all kinds of nudity on our site, but apparently our systems found the pictures of Trump so utterly disturbing that it pulled them down as a matter of precaution.”
When he was made aware that pictures of him were disappearing from the social media giants’ servers, Trump stayed calm and thoughtful, according to his closest aides. However, according to sources who wish to stay anonymous but whose name rhymes with Mivana Mump, told us, however, that he was anything but. Instead, our source says the president picked up the phone and called the joints chief of staff, demanding the U.S. armed forces prepare to invade Northern California and takeover the corporate headquarters of Twitter and Facebook.
“The president was rightly outraged by this obvious tech censorship,” White House Chief Lying Nazi Barbie Kayleigh McEnany told reporters this morning, “and he did what anyone would do in the same situation — he demanded that armed forces storm some buildings and round up some people. Fucking DUH, idiots! BOOM BURN! LOOK FOR THIS CLIP TO PLAY ON A LOOP ON FOX NEWS AND OANN LATER BECAUSE I JUST OWNED YOU LIBTARD CUCKS!”
“The president, as everyone can see, has a neck that’s, pretty weird, really,” Dorsey explained. “It kind of looks a lot like female genitals. When it’s smooshed up under his collar, it really truly does look like a vagina.”While Facebook and Twitter don’t share servers or core code, both companies reported that essentially the same issue caused the pictures of Trump to trigger their pornography or nudity filters.
Zuckerberg confirmed the same situation occurred on Facebook’s servers.
“We do not allow any nudity on our website. I know Twitter does, and that’s fine for them,” Zuckerberg wrote, “but for Facebook, we continue to strive to keep nudity off our servers. Apparently, Mr. Trump’s neck looks so very much like a vagina that it rendered our systems completely unable to differentiate the two, and it erred on the side of caution. We will be taking steps to address this issue going forward.”
The White House has not indicated if it will rescind the orders to invade Swilly Corn Valley.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.