Racist Cops All of Sudden No Longer Racist

“Oh shit! Holy fuck! I can’t believe it’s happening, but it’s really happening,” Black Lives Matter protester Yvette Simpkins told her friends as she burst into a conference room where a protest was in the planning stages. “It’s happening guys! Cops aren’t racist anymore. Not even, like, a little tiny bit.”

Simpkins said she had been driving home in her Mercedes S-Class as usual, when she was spotted by a police officer. Yvette was sure that this would be yet another time that she’d be pulled over for the crime of “Driving While Black.” She almost reflexively started fishing in her glove box for the registration for the car that’s in her name.


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But when she pulled up at a red light, the cop just moved over into the lane next to her, and signalled for her to roll down her window. Still unsure of the situation, Yvette said she carefully rolled down her window just enough to so that the officer could hear her, and she could hear him. She took a deep breath.

“Yes, officer, can I help you,” Yvette asked.

The young man just simply smiled.

“I just wanted to let you know that you have a really swell car, ma’am. I mean, she’s a real beaut, let me tell you,” the officer made a long, low whistle. “Hot damn that’s a sweet car, and I bet it feels great owning and driving it, huh?”

What the fuck, Yvette, wondered. Why was he not harassing her about who owned the car she was driving? Since she bought it back in 2017, she had not gone more than a week at a time without some police officer pulling her over and asking her for her license and registration. She always knew deep down that even she’d been simply driving a friend or relatives’ car that she would likely have been given even more of a hard time than she was.

However, today, the officer who drove up beside her simply told her that her car was nice and drove away. She didn’t think anything of it until a second set of police lights appeared in her rearview mirror. Okay, she thought to herself, now it’s happening, now she was being harassed for being a black driver of a luxury vehicle.

Yvette told her friends she pulled her car over, and she was glad that she’d already gotten the registration out when she encountered the first cop. When the second officer arrived at her window, she’d already gotten her license out too, and handed both to him. The officer seemed a little taken aback.

“Excuse me, but what’s this for,” he asked her.

“Well, I assume you pulled me over because of my car,” Yvette told the cop. “So, I decided to skip to the part where you ask for my license and registration to prove I own it.”

The cop laughed.

“Are you serious? Maybe before today I might have done that,” the officer told her, “but not anymore! I just wanted to stop you and thank you for following the traffic laws, wearing your seatbelt, and driving safely!”

Yvette could not believe what she was hearing.

“I…cannot believe I’m hearing this. Are you telling me that you’re not at all suspicious of a black person driving a nice car in this part of town,” Yvette asked incredulously.

She was sure she had him now. But the cop just smiled and laughed, again. Then, he explained the situation.

“Well, you see, ma’am, Congressional Democrats took all took a knee for about eight minutes today,” the officer told Yvette. “And when that happened, it started a chain reaction that destroyed racist policing. No need to have a spine and push for much needed defunding and disbanding of truly horrible police squads, when you can just be quiet for less than minutes and do some performative, non-verbal platitudes.”

Yvette paused for a moment, thinking.

“So, you’re legit telling me that cops are, all of a sudden, no longer racist? Is that what you’re telling me right now,” Yvette asked with disbelief.

The officer smiled.

“Absolutely! By now, I’d have asked you to step out of the car, stop looking at me in that disrespectful tone, and made you do an unnecessary and degrading field sobriety check if they hadn’t taken that knee,” the officer explained. “Racism is literally over. Problem solved in every single police force, nationwide.”

A still stunned Yvette thanked the cop and drove home, which is where we found her at the beginning of this story, telling her friends that racist cops had pretty much just magically stopped being racist because of the brave actions of Democratic automatons.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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