WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Treasury Department issued an order late last night that some say could have an impact on when some Americans receive their coronavirus stimulus aid. In a brief signing statement, Treasure Secretary and B-team Bond Villain Steve Mnuchin explained that a new marking would be added to each printed check disbursed to taxpayers who don’t use direct deposit.
“Just a few moments ago, I signed a directive using the full authority of secretaryship, ordering every check printed as part of the coronavirus stimulus to bear the president’s mushroom stamp,” Mnuchin explained. “We’re still discussing with the president exactly how the logistics of getting his phallic embossment on every check will work. However, at this point in time, President Trump is once more demonstrating is world class stamina and perseverance, dedicating himself to personally mushroom tapping each and every check before it’s stuck in an envelope and mailed out.”
It was already an unprecedented step for each check to be altered to contain Trump’s signature on the memo line, but research shows this is also the first time that any document issued by the federal government will contain the genital imprint of a sitting president. Readers probably recall the famous Truman notebook that contains several ink impressions of former President Harry Truman’s penis. However, that notebook was made after Truman left office at the request of the national archives, who for a very brief period of time was considering a catalog of every president’s mushroom stamp from that point forward.
Mnuchin acknowledged that the process of adding Trump’s mushroom stamp to every printed stimulus check will “very likely” delay when they’ll get mailed. The president believes that Americans will be “more than willing” to wait a few weeks for the process to play out and to get their checks, Sec. Mnuchin said. However, he said, there is a “small, mangled silver lining” in everything.
“At least it’s small enough to where it won’t be wasting too much ink per check,” Mnuchin conceded. “As much money as we’re spending on stimulus packages right now, it’s nice to find ways to cut costs, no matter where you find the ways to cut them.”
An elated President Trump was spotted this morning taking a few laps around the White House lawn. The president indicated that he’s “really bigly ex-static” about his mushroom stamp ending up on every check that goes out. Trump said that “branding is everything” and that the stamp, combined with his signature, represent a “bigly win” and “owning the crazy left Nancy Pelosi Bob Mueller Angry AOC Democrat enemies of the witch hunt people.”
“Did I get all my buzzwords in there? I hope so. Lots to remember,” Trump beamed. “Anyway, you could say I’m pretty excited about getting to mushroom stamp every single check that goes, out, yes you could say that. Some people have told me, and I have no reason to doubt this, that this is the bravest and most important thing any president has done, and I mean ever. One thing you can say, no matter your political party, I’m the only president to get his signature, and his dick’s signature, on a stimulus check. BOOM! Take that, OBAMA!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.