Trump Assures Governors He Stands Ready to Take Credit for Their Hard Work Battling Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On a call with the nation’s fifty governors, President Trump assured each state’s chief executive that he is “standing by” and “bigly ready” to take credit for all their hard work while battling the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. Trump reportedly assured each and every governor that no matter what they did to mitigate the spread and flatten the curve of infections of the novel coronavirus within their state, he would “be right behind” them “ready to push them out of the spotlight” so that he could enter it. The president gave his “solemn loaf” that he would “see this thing through to the bitter end” and “gleefully take credit for everything that went well” while also denying any responsibility for the failures of his administration, or anything else for that matter.

“The president wanted every governor in his country to understand that he’s got their back,” newly hired White House Press Propagandist Kayleigh McEnany told reporters. “President Trump has always felt that’s the best place to be when you’re going to stab someone in the back anyway. But in this case, with this invisible scourge attacking this country, he really wanted to reiterate his strong position, which is waiting with bated breath and breathless anticipation to swoop in and take all the credit.”

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McEnany claimed it’s Trump’s “God given right” to “hog all the glory.” Even if it God himself didn’t ordain Trump’s self-aggrandizement and attempts to take all the credit, the Constitution gives him that right, Ms. McEnany said. Though she couldn’t cite the exact passages in the Bible or the Constitution that backed her claim up, she did give reporters the finger when asked for evidence, which Sean Hannity later called “the bravest moment” he’s ever seen in American politics.

“If any of you fancy-pants LAMESTREAM LIBTARDED CUCK press people want to crack open your pocket Constitutions, and like, totally show me where it says president’s can’t take all the credit,” McEnany said, “I’ll totally, like, listen or whatever? But since I know you won’t find it, I’m for sure just gonna say this — get over it. We won in 2016 and that means we get to permanently install a tinhorn dictator. Duh.”

Since the president’s administration began its work trying to flatten the curve of infections, including asking citizens to self-enforce social distancing guidelines, he has at times touted how well he’s worked with the governors in various states. In particular, Trump has seemed quite pleased to brag about his relationship with the governors of California and New York. However, it would appear that California joining a pact with other western states like Washington and Oregon to only re-open their economies fully after health experts say the pandemic has subsided appears to have possibly rankled President Trump. In a tweet comparing himself with the vicious Captain Bligh of “Mutiny on the Bounty,” Trump appeared to threaten any governor who doesn’t comply with his directives on when to re-open their state’s economy.

Ms. McEnany explained the tweet, which got quite a lot of attention from both sides of the aisle.

“Remember when our Dear President correctly asserted that he has absolute authority over the country’s economy? Well, who has absolute authority on ships, geniuses,” McEnany chided the reporters. “Just like Capt. Kangaroo, or the guy who was the captain of the bigliest and bestest ship ever, the Titanic, or whatever. So just shut up about the whole captain thing, okay libtards? Mmmm-kay! Thanks, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Trump himself addressed the situation as he was seen on the White House lawn later in the afternoon.

“All I told those governors was that they’ll see two sets of footprints in the sand,” Trump said, “one for me, one for them. And when they see only one set, that’s when I pushed them out of the way, got a sandwich, and took the credit.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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