Trump’s Bone Spurs Refute President’s Claims He’d Run Into Mass Shooting With No Gun Of His Own

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump, during a meeting with the nation’s governors, said that he would have probably charged headlong into Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, unarmed, if he had been in a position to do so.

Trump has taken a very critical tack with Broward County law enforcement in the wake of one of the country’s deadliest mass shootings of the last two months. Last week, it was revealed that four armed sheriff’s deputies were at the site of the deadly shooting and didn’t engage the shooter. Trump and fellow conservatives have used that information to shift discussions away from gun control legislation and instead focus on pushing an agenda of arming certain teachers in response to the wave of school shootings since 1999’s shooting at Columbine High School in Colorado.

“I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” President Trump told the state governors in the room with him this morning.

Shortly after the meeting, however, a press conference was hastily prepared, and Trump’s bone spurs were at the podium to address reporters.

“It pains us to do this, but we simply must speak out in defense of the truth,” the bone spurs said. “We must disagree with the president, and assert that he wouldn’t have run into any building at any time for any reason, much less to make some heroic stand against someone with a semi-automatic rifle in their hands.”

Trump’s bone spurs said his claims were “hilariously false.”

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“First of all, he doesn’t run anywhere unless there’s a Big Mac on the inside waiting for him,” the bone spurs said, “and secondly, um, hello? Would anyone even know about us if he wasn’t a Grade-A Coward?”

The bone spurs pointed to the “overwhelming, self-evident proof” of Trump’s “past cowardice.”

“He tweets attacks at black athletes who kneel for the national anthem, but he doesn’t find the strength to criticize his own secretaries for wasting taxpayer money on first class airline because they’re afraid of the people who pay their salaries,” the bone spurs pointed out. “And you ever notice how he’s quick to hammer women like Megyn Kelly and Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell, but never criticizes a big dude who could probably beat his ass in a fight, like Chris Evans?”

There were more instances that prove Trump’s boasts false, the bone spurs insisted.

“You’ve all seen the meme of the bald eagle that nearly made him shit his pants, right? Then you have the fact that he canceled his very first White House correspondents’ dinner because he was afraid of being criticized,” Trump’s bone spurs said. “In fact, remember when he backed out of a presidential primary debate because he was afraid of what Megyn might ask him? I’ve known the dude for decades and I can say without any equivocation he’s such a pussy he grab himself.”

The White House did respond to requests for comment, as Mr. Trump was too busy bullying Democrats on Twitter.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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