Gun Rights Activist Will Only Fly Across Country On His AR-15 After Airlines Drop NRA Partnerships

SPRINGFIELD, WEST VIRGINIA — In his home town, there is perhaps no stronger or vocal proponent of the Second Amendment than Grant Phillips. That is to say, Phillips himself admits, that there is no bigger proponent of the modern reading of the Second Amendment than Phillips in his home town. The 2008 Heller Supreme Court decision flipped more than a century and a half of constitutional precedent on its head and established a personal legal right to a firearm, despite for years the meaning of the amendment being interpreted to be about a person’s right to join a militia or the armed services.

The National Rifle Association helped bring the Heller case to the Supreme Court, and Phillips is a lifetime member. He is absolutely livid, Grant says, that so far more than a dozen companies have severed their ties with the NRA in the wake of the Parkland Massacre, a school shooting that left 17 dead and more wounded. Companies started breaking with the NRA thanks to public pressure put on them using the #BoycottNRA hashtag, started by student survivors of the shooting who have formed the #NeverAgain gun safety advocacy group, already raising millions of dollars.

“Guess I’m gonna have to rent a car from non-cucked rental companies,” Grant told us in a phone interview. “And it looks like I’m gonna be flying my AR-15 around the country, which you can pry from underneath the pile of your dead kids’ bodies, libtards!”

Over the weekend, MetLife Insurance, LifeLock, Symantec, First National Bank of Omaha, Delta Airlines, United Airlines, Hertz, Avis, National Rental Car, and more announced that they will no longer offer NRA members discounts that are often used to entice new members into signing up. While some notable companies remain as NRA partners, the sudden exodus of corporate partners was a big enough blow to the NRA that they released a statement about it, blasting companies who ditched them as showing “civic cowardice.”

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“This just makes me sick! Just makes me disgusted, fam,” Phillips said. “Because it shows what whiny snowflakes libs are. Un-american too! Nothing is more American than guns, NOTHING. Not freedom, because freedom don’t exist without guns. Not liberty, because liberty is like freedom but with an L instead, and again, no guns, no freedom. How dare these hippies boycott companies just because they help the NRA ensure every moron in the country gets a gun?”

Phillips took a long breath.

“Every moron having a gun is clearly the kind of utopia that James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams envisioned for us,” Grant insisted. “Why wouldn’t they want to set up a situation where there are more guns than humans on the continent? Would they not view the piles of dead Americans as worthy and noble sacrifices to the values of freedom and liberty? Of course they would!”

Grant isn’t sure if his AR-15 has the kind of power it needs to get him across the country like a passenger jet could, but he’s willing to try.

“I figure, I jam the gun in between my butt cheeks, like a witch rides a broom,” Grant said. “Just gotta make sure it’s pointing backwards. Then, I reach back and pull that trigger. I’ll be riding my liberty lobber while you libtards are crying in your soy milk!”

UPDATE: Grant Phillips is in critical condition, according to doctors in his town. They say he should recover, but his anus will never be a normal shape again.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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