Local Breitbart Reader Says Marjory Stoneman Survivors Were Duped By ‘Crisis Corpses’

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is a devout reader of Breitbart, and he enjoys Infowars as well. Bohiggins is also a right-wing podcaster, YouTube personality, and Facebook page owner, and he says he is absolutely livid these days.

Ever since the horrific tragedy at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, Jethro has taken to his podcast to tell his audience that America is “being duped by anti-gun communists, Sharia loving Democrats, and libtarded libtards.” Bohiggins called the shooting a “false flag” on his show today, and implied that no one actually died on February 14th, 2018 during the “alleged incident.”

“I am sorry, but I will not shut up about this Parkland false flag fam,” Bohiggins screamed into this microphone. “Because once again we’re going to see politicians make emotional pleas for gun control just because we’re seeing kids get shot at schools every other week. The Second Amendment says ‘SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED,’ not, ‘Shall not be infringed unless you want to stop the systemic and epidemic tide of children being murdered in their classrooms.’ The worst part about all this though? They’re trading on false emotions because no one even died last week, I don’t think anyway.”

Jethro explained that he wasn’t “stupid enough” to say that real dead bodies were not recovered from the scene, he just believes that they were “crisis corpses” hired by George Soros, the Democrats, and Barack Obama to “gin up the outrage and emotion.” He explained that crisis corpses are dead people trained in the art of looking more dead and tragic, and in heightening the sense of outrage after a shooting by having bullet holes in them.

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“No one died that day! They bused in those corpses on the same buses they always bring trillions, literally trillions, of undocumented illegal Mexicans into states to vote,” Jethro said. “I know this because I was on 4chan last night, and that’s what everyone there was saying, so you know you can trust it.”

Bohiggins says he doesn’t want to be insensitive to children, but he says it is “absolutely imperative” that the truth about the bodies pulled from the high school be told.

“The evidence is all around if you just wake up to it and make up whatever it is you don’t see when you wake up,” Jethro insisted. “It is absolutely imperative that we get the truth out about these alleged victims. They were clearly coached prior to being dumped on campus.”

Jethro admits that his theory is “far fetched,” but he says he is taking solace in the fact that “so many true intellectuals and patriot journalists” like Alex Jones are saying similar things.

“At first, when you come up with a theory that sounds far fetched, you are a little afraid that people will think you’re a sociopath who cares more about his penile enhancing firearms than children’s lives,” Jethro said. “But knowing that Alex Jones says the same things, just like so many true intellectuals and patriot journalists, guys like Mike Thernovich, then it really makes you take solace in company you keep. And we get to share tinfoil too, which is very cost effective.”

You can read more satire on The Pastiche Post and Alternative Facts.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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