Trump: “They Better Call The Witnesses Who Can Exonerate Me and Who I’m Forbidding to Testify!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An angry President Trump lashed out at Congressional Democrats, farting wildly and loudly as he did so, and he had harsh words for “any Cuckpublican” in the Senate who votes to allow witnesses to testify in the Senate’s impeachment trial. As much as President Trump said Senate Republicans should all “completely and totally reject” any calls for witnesses to testify, he kept contradicting himself immediately after.

“It’s a sham! It’s a total and complete witch hunt scam, this whole impeachment thing,” Trump shouted and farted. “Someone has to explain to me why I should be tainted with impeachment just because I said and did impeachable things and asked my personal attorney to commit multiple crimes in order to subvert our democracy. What a sham! But they better not call any witnesses, who can totally clear my name, if I’d let them, which I won’t, but still, they should call them, but they shouldn’t, but also? They should.”

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Mr. Trump was pacing around the White House lawn, Marine One’s helicopter engines roaring as it warmed up. Trump was going to be airlifted to a nearby McDonald’s so he could have a Happy Meal and a meet with some officials from his campaign, he told reporters. As he was pacing, the House passed the resolution required to deliver his articles of impeachment to the Senate. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has indicated the trial could begin as soon as next week, and he hopes it will move at a brisk pace.

“Mitch better listen to me and do exactly as I say,” President Trump shouted, the force of his shouting causing yet more farts to spill forth from his busy rectum. “Namely, that means calling but not calling but also demanding and then not demanding that witnesses both testify and not testify. This isn’t rocket science, and I don’t get why no one else out there is understanding what I’m saying! It comes with the territory of being the literal smartest man on the planet, so I’m used to it. But it’s still really frustrating.”

The president insisted that witnesses like former national security adviser John Bolton and his acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney could exculpate and exonerate him, if they testified. However, he insisted just as adamantly that they not be allowed to testify, and threatened to cover all their testimony under executive privilege. As he ranted, he paced and pointed at the various reporters he called on, often telling them to speak louder and gesturing with his thumb upward, as if to reiterate that they needed to speak loud enough to be heard over the roar of the helicopter and his incessantly farting butthole.

“You’re gonna have to speak up, I had Taco Bell last night,” Trump yelled. “Look, the point is that they shouldn’t be calling anyone to testify, but they should be calling people to testify, and those people can exonerate me, but I don’t want them to exonerate me. They better call the witnesses who can exonerate me and who I’m forbidding to testify! Jesus, do I have to draw you people a map?”

Before trundling off to get into the helicopter, Trump sad goodbye to the media and once again repeated his point of view.

“My personal attorney general tells me that I’m entitled to get anything I want out of this trial, and he even said he thinks the whole notion of checks and balances is fake news, folks,” Trump shouted. “So hair-go, I want witnesses! But I don’t want witnesses! Also, I want witnesses, but I won’t allow witnesses! If you can’t understand that, you need more help than I can offer, sorry.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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