WASHINGTON, D.C. — Down in Ecuador, a centenarian Galapagos tortoise named “Diego” is being hailed for saving just about single-handedly saving his species. Diego apparently had such a rapacious and unrelenting appetite for coital relations with the females of his kind that he managed to save the tortoise population through the sheer might of his libido. Beginning in the mid-1970’s, Diego — who had spent his life in the San Diego Zoo up to that point — was introduced to a breeding program run by an Ecuadorian organization that was attempting to keep Diego’s species from completely dying out.
Over the next 40+ years, Diego helped increase the population of his species from 15 to 2000, and DNA tests show he was responsible for an astounding 40% of the new baby tortoises born in the time he’s been part of the breeding program. Today, it was announced that Diego has done his part, and he will be retiring from the breeding program. However, one of Diego’s distant cousins, also extremely old, has given no indication he’s done fucking for a living.
“As proud as I am of my cousin Diego, and all he’s done for my fellow tortoises,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced, “I will not stop fucking the working class any time soon. Basically, I’ll die in office, with my wet, mostly flaccid, highly disappointing dick still sloppily placed inside the collective workers of America’s mouths and other holes. You’re welcome, America.”
McConnell has been in Congress since winning his first election to the U.S. Senate back in 1984. He is the longest running Kentucky Senator. McConnell is also the longest-serving Senator in the entire upper chamber, and has held a job in government in one form or another since 1975 when he served in the Ford administration’s justice department. That’s quite a few years that he’s collected government money in the form of a paycheck, and at the same time he’s advanced policies that cut funding for social programs aimed at reducing the burdens of poverty for every day working class Americans.
“The way I figure it, I’ve been fucking the American working class longer than most people in my party can stomach. That’s why they keep making me their leader,” McConnell said, pride in his voice. “Without my constant, ever-present fucking of the average American worker, imagine how much higher wages would be! Just imagine how much more money would be in local economies, instead of where it belongs…parked in offshore accounts, well-hidden from the IRS. You better believe I’m proud of all the fucking I’ve done, yes sir.”
Anyone who’s spent any time with Senator McConnell knows, however, that the poor and working class aren’t the only things he likes to fuck, and he reminded reporters of that fact today.
“I just want to say something though, if I might,” McConnell said, “I don’t just fuck the working class. I don’t just fuck the poor. I fuck lumps of coal. All day, every day. In fact, if you see me with my wrinkled, withering old hands in my pockets, you can make one, sure-fire bet — that I’m rubbing a piece of good ol’ Kentucky coal on my tortoise dick. You see me smiling, it’s a good bet I’ve ever filibustered some black Democrat’s Supreme Court nominee, or I’ve got a black dick from how much I’ve been fucking a piece of coal. That’s it.”
Some economists theorize that if McConnell is allowed to continue fucking the middle class, its very existence will be threatened.
“A lot of times, when you’re talking about fucking, you’re getting into the idea of life cycles sustaining and perpetuating species or classes,” Dr. Keith Killgore told us, “but not in Mitch’s case. If he keeps up his brand of fucking apace, we could see the utter extinction of the American working class, and thanks in no small part to a group of the same American working class voting in such a way as to keep Mitch fucking them…over, and over, and over again.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.