Trump Suggests Using Windmill Cancer Treatments to Fight Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For several days, and even a few weeks, President Donald Trump urged Americans and medical professionals to consider using the drug hydroxychloroquine to fight COVID-19. This presidential medical advice came despite the fact that Trump is not technically a medical professional, and notwithstanding the fact that even Dr. Anthony Fauci, who is on Trump’s coronavirus task force, was loathe to co-sign Trump’s endorsement of hydroxychloroquine. On Trump’s propaganda network of choice, Fox News, hosts like Sean Hannity and Frau Laura Ingraham touted the drug, as well.

However, news this week has seemingly made Trump and his friends in right-wing media sheepish to push hydroxychloroquine for coronavirus patients. While the drug has been approved to treat malaria for decades, new studies are showing that there is no measurable benefit to using it on COVID-19 and in fact, one study conducted by the VA seems to indicate using it correlates with a higher mortality rate.

Researchers analyzed medical records of 368 male veterans hospitalized with confirmed coronavirus infection at Veterans Health Administration medical centers who died or were discharged by April 11.

About 28% who were given hydroxychloroquine plus usual care died, versus 11% of those getting routine care alone. About 22% of those getting the drug plus azithromycin died too, but the difference between that group and usual care was not considered large enough to rule out other factors that could have affected survival.

Hydroxychloroquine made no difference in the need for a breathing machine, either. (AP)

Some have noted a sharp reduction in even the number of times President Trump has mentioned the drug in the last few days, since studied started appearing that seemed to counter his arguments in favor of it. While it’s unclear currently whether or not those studies have swayed the president’s position on hydroxychloroquine, this morning he indicated that he’s directed the coronavirus task force to start investigating and “pushing, if necessary” a new spate of treatment options he believes could be “bigly and yugely important” in the fight against the spread of COVID-19.

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“Why are you asking me about hydroxychloroquine? That is such a mean, and rude, and nasty question,” Trump berated a reporter who, while he paced back and forth on the White House lawn, asked him about why he’s suddenly not pushing the drug on Americans. “I’ve never even heard of this hydro-ox cart-whatever-the-fuck you’re talking about. They were probably a low-level coffee boy or something. It’s just so rude and frankly should be illegal of you to ask me questions about the literal words that come out of my mouth!”

Trump’s anger seemed to boil up inside of him more than usual, and the force of it made a loud, wet, and what nose witnesses say was the foulest smelling fart they’ve ever encountered, issue forth from his presidential rectum. Congressman Devin Nunes would later confirm, thanks to his permanent position located just adjacent to Trump’s butthole, that he had indeed farted. However, Nunes insists that this fart, “like all of Dear President’s rectal sneezes,” didn’t smell bad at all, and in fact smelled like ice cream, roses, and sunny summer days.

“Anyway, enough about this hydo thingamajig. I was reading some reports that someone handed me that I think are, well, frankly, quite interesting,” Trump rambled. “These reports have convinced me that we actually need to consider using the very same things we treat windmill cancer to treat coronavirus. I’ve seen very bigly promising things.”

The president said that under his direction, back in 2018 the Bowling Green Institute of Covfefe Research teamed-up with Trump University’s School of Medicine and started developing treatments for windmill cancer. Covfefe, Trump said, was “absolutely vital” in treating the worst symptoms of windmill cancer. Now, Trump says, “you hard ever hear” of a windmill cancer case.

“And some folks said it was because I made up windmill cancer,” Trump admitted, “but does that really sound like something I’d do? I was just telling my good friend John Barron, who had just gotten back from a lovely visit with our mutual friend David Dennison, that I hate when I get accused of making things up. It’s like, do I have to spell it out for you on the back of Obama’s birth certificate? I never lie, about anything, ever.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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