WASHINGTON, D.C. — As his administration grapples with how to best coax states into restarting their economies, President Donald Trump addressed an issue related to the near nationwide COVID-19 lockdowns – lack of toilet paper. Since February, household items like toilet paper and paper towels have become much harder for Americans to come by. Partly due to people stockpiling and hoarding it, stores across the country can’t seem to keep the TP on their shelves for very long. However, this morning President Trump suggested something to toilet paper-strapped families that he says he’s using as a replacement for some time.
“I understand the sense of urgency you might feel, not having enough toilet paper in the home,” the president told everyone on the front lawn of the White House, “but it’s really nothing to worry about, if you keep your head on straight, you know, like I do. What I would suggest, and when have I ever steered you wrong, is to use something else to wipe with.”
The president then rattled off a few suggestions for what Americans can use as replacements for their toilet paper.
“You can use the FAILING New York Times, for instance, definitely use that if you can,” Trump suggested. “You can also wipe with any old rag you find around the house. I have been using something, though, that I think every American should consider using. The Constitution. I’ve been wiping my ass with that worthless thing for literally the entire time I’ve been president. In fact, I’ve never been cleaner back there, and Devin Nunes confirmed that for me the other week.”
Trump explained that he’s “never had much use” for the Constitution, before or during his presidency. Any document that allowed Democrats to impeach him for what they believed were violations of his oath of office “isn’t worth the parchment it’s written,” the president stated. The Constitution is “full of stuff” Trump says he “never would have agreed to” if he were in charge at the time it was written.
“You know they put things in there that sound an awful lot like I don’t have the power to do whatever I want, whenever I want,” Trump complained. “It’s a very rude, sick, nasty document, with all it’s wanton accountability and responsibility it’s trying to force on me. So I wipe my ass with it, like, all the time. Billy Barr said I could, Mike Pence stood by quietly and masturbated while I did it, and so it seems like it’s the right thing for me to do. Anyone without toilet paper should really consider wiping with the Constitution.”
Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Rectal Cavity) appeared on Fox & White Friends this morning to discuss Trump’s suggestion that Americans wipe with the Constitution. Nunes said he “completely agrees” with Trump, and that Americans should wipe with the Constitution. Rep. Nunes believes, he said, that “the Constitution is probably unnecessary with a Republican president anyway.”
“The fact is that Republican presidents just are more Constitutionally-sound and really don’t need to be constrained by it,” Nunes said. “It’s those radical left-wing Democrats who are trying to keep us from rolling back the progress of the 20th and 21st centuries that are the ones you can’t trust. What with all their socialism, and whatnot. Now, can we talk about the farm bailouts and the trillion dollar stimulus packages and not about the commies in the Democrat Party with all their disgusting socialist programs?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.