WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee announced today that it has formulated a new electoral strategy they hope will not only further expand their majority in the House of Representatives and bring them closer to a majority in the Senate — if not deliver it to them — but to also sweep President Donald Trump out of office for good.
“Basically, we’re going to start phone banking and we’re going to start calling people who have donated to the president’s re-election campaign,” DNC Executive Media Contact Cheryl Meyerson told reporters in a conference call from her home due to coronavirus stay at home orders in place. “When we call them, we’re just going to ask them if they plan to protest with a few hundred of their closest klan members, and if not, why they’re being such soyboy betacuck libtard snowflakes. That ought to get them organizing a protest right away.”
Meyerson said that the DNC held a special strategy session this week after they watched hundreds of pro-Trump Americans out in force over the weekend, holding protests of COVID-19 related lockdowns. Throughout the country, several states and local municipalities have issued orders to close down most non-essential businesses and for citizens to only leave their homes when they need to shop for groceries or seek emergency medical attention. With over 18 million Americans having to file for unemployment benefits since the start of the outbreak, many Trump supporters are worried about the electoral consequences of a heavily depressed economy come November, when Americans decide whether to re-elect him again or not.
“You, me, the rest of us with IQs that are higher than the number of family members we’ve had sex with? Sure, we all get how important it is to keep flattening the curve and doing social distancing,” Meyerson said, “but the people protesting either don’t know, or apparently don’t care about asymptomatic spread of the disease. So, to them, a haircut, or a hamburger at the bar with their friends is more important than keeping people safe. We’re starting to think that maybe we should just, you know, let them protest.”
Things will “probably take care of themselves naturally” if most of the country continues to isolate at home but Trump supporters start gathering en masse to protest, Meyerson suggested. She also said that the DNC would start sending Trump supporters maps of their hometown, with places large enough to be suitable for a protest highlighted or circled.
“Then again, they know the best places to light up a cross or put up a confederate monument in their own cities and towns better than we do, probably,” Ms. Meyerson admitted. “Still, it’s good to give them a helping hand, and then you know, let nature do its thing.”
Though she understands that infectious diseases are not tied to a political ideology, and that each protest increases the risk of further spreading COVID-19 even to those who don’t attend, Meyerson thinks the “math still works” in the DNC’s favor.
“I just think that the vast majority of us will be doing the responsible things, and we’ll all be fairly well-insulated from the worst of it,” Meyerson suggested. “So I think in the grand scheme of things, the math still works for us.”
Though the popular vote count does not indicate the winner of U.S. presidential elections, Meyerson says that the Democratic candidate got three million more votes last time, and only lost because of less than 200,000 votes spread out over a few swing states. If enough “idiots and morons in MAGA hats” protest coronavirus lockdowns, she believes, and if they hold the protests in those same key swing states, the Democratic nominee could trounce Trump in November.
“Let me be clear — we are not saying that we want Trump supporters to get sick and die,” Meyerson said. “I’m just saying that this is a free country, and that we will remind them how free a country it is, and how they can make all sorts of choices for themselves. We’re just saying that choices have consequences. And we’re saying that if they do decide to fiddle around with stupidity and they wind-up getting sick and dying, well, they won’t be able to vote, and we could win in the fall. They all love ‘winning’ so much they say, so we’re sure they’ll completely understand this.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.