Trump: “All The Voices In My Head Agree With Me That The Election Will Be Rigged!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s one of the least well-kept secrets in D.C. — President Donald Trump doesn’t want the majority of Americans voting by mail this fall. Despite there being no evidence to back his claims up, the president has continued to insist that vote-by-mail — which he and several of his administration’s officials have used to cast their ballots — is rife for fraud and abuse.

MORE: Satan Regrets Not Jerking Off In Time To Save Herman Cain’s Life

Trump’s attempts to persuade Americans that mail-in voting is bad ultimately led to him tweeting a suggestion that the election be delayed until such time as people can vote, in person, safely. The tweet drew sharp rebuke from both sides of the aisle. Late last night, the head of the Federalist Society — an arch conservative group who Trump relied on to pick his list of Supreme Court candidates — actually advocated for impeaching and removing the president from office for merely suggesting the election be delayed.

The Constitution is clear — the right to set the date for the election rests solely with Congress.

At yesterday’s coronavirus task force press conference, the subject of Trump’s suggestion to delay the election was inevitably brought up. The president was asked if he truly believes he can and should delay the election. Trump asserted that in truth he doesn’t want a delay, but instead wants to ensure that election results are announced the same day the election is held.

“I don’t want to delay. I want to have the election. But I also don’t want to have to wait for three months and then find out that the ballots are all missing and the election doesn’t mean anything,” he told reporters. (ABC News)

The idea of a same-day election results is not one that existed for much of America’s history. During the early days of the Republic, there was no mass media network to transmit and broadcast results, and famously in the 20th century, Americans went to bed one night believing that President Harry Truman had lost his re-election bid, only to wake up the next day to Truman had in fact beaten Dewey.

During the press conference, Trump insisted that he’d heard many people telling him the election will be fraudulent and “rigged” if mail-in balloting is allowed to be used by the majority of voters. At the time, it wasn’t clear who these people were that Trump was referring to. This morning, on the White House lawn, Trump finally revealed who was pushing him to keep casting doubt on mail-in voting.

“I just came out here to walk the morning farts out,” Trump told reporters, “but sure, I can answers some questions for you libtarded enemies of the people, why not?”

Trump was immediately asked about who, exactly, has been telling him that mail-in voting will lead to a rigged election.

“Oh, you cucks want to know who they are? You want to meet them, or something,” Trump asked. “Well, that’s too bad. It’s impossible for you to meet them, because they live in side my head. But let me make this extremely clear — it’s a unanimous thing, okay? All of them agree.”

Trump stopped in his tracks. He lifted his right leg, leaned to his left, and made a “hard thinking” face. Soon, a rippling sound, like thunder through a swimming pool of chocolate pudding, rang out in the swampy D.C. air. The president had farted.

“All the voices in my head agree with me that the election will be rigged,” Trump shouted. “All of them. You tell me that’s not significant, that every single solitary voice in my head is telling me the election will be rigged, and I’ll smack those words right out of your mouth. And Billy Barr says I can do it, too!”

MORE: That Time When Obama Suggested Delaying the Election and Republicans Were All Like, “Cool.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, signing up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

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