HELL — Former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has died, having lost his month-long battle with COVID-19. Cain, who rose to national prominence in 2012 when he attempted to secure the GOP’s presidential nomination to challenge Barack Obama, infamously tweeted that he thought the reaction to the coronavirus was being overblown by the liberal press, and was at Trump’s abysmally attended rally in Tulsa, maskless, just before being diagnosed with the disease.
In a statement to the press, Satan Hubert Beelzebub — Dark Lord of All Evil — apologized profusely for not being able to masturbate in time to save Cain’s life. The Devil’s letter might come as a surprise to people who haven’t been watching the news this week, but to those who watch OAN or Fox News in particular, this development is probably less shocking. That’s because it was revealed this week by Dr. Stella Immanuel that pharmaceutical companies — which she calls “big pharma” — regularly use demonic semen and even alien DNA to create their medicines and vaccines.
While Dr. Immanuel touted the drug hydroxychloroquine as the “cure” for COVID-19 and claimed it’s being hidden from patients for political reasons, Satan’s press release is adamant that he does not condone or advise anyone to take it.
“I may be evil as all fuck,” Satan wrote, “but I am not so evil as to push a drug on people that has known fatal side-effects and takes away a vital medicine from Lupus patients who need it. So fuck that noise, full stop.”
However, the Dark Prince of Sin did reveal that Dr. Immanuel “has her facts right” about one thing — his cum has human healing powers.
“It’s not exactly something we broadcast. I worked with my man Jesus — what you don’t think we’re capable of being frenemies? — and he agreed to take all references to it out of the Bible,” Satan writes, “but my jizz has healing and restorative properties for humans when they consume it. Let’s just say that Richard Nixon, Phyllis Schlafly, and Jerry Falwell never have a single sore throat down here, okay?”
When Satan got word that Cain was sick with COVID-19, he said he “planned all along to wrist off a salty” and send his semen to Earth, so it could be used to heal the former presidential candidate’s infection. However, things kept getting in the way and “coming up” that prevented him from masturbating. By the time he cleared enough time on his schedule this morning, he’d gotten word that Cain was already in the waiting room.
“My heart absolutely sank when I saw him appear in our lobby,” Satan’s press release states, “because I could’ve saved him. My demonic spunk could’ve kept him alive. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll take him in, and he 100% belongs here after he screwed over so many poor working folks with his shitty pizzas and even shittier economic policy agenda, but still, I could’ve given him another few years of life with just a drop or two of my sinful seed! For that, I am now and forever, truly sorry.”
Satan promised to “do better” and committed to sending his “cum by the evil truckload” to Earth beginning next week.
“I will not stop smacking my dark bishop until I’m confident I’ve given humanity enough of my healing jizz to save them all,” Satan said. “I have more than enough episodes of Fox and Friends on my DVR to get me through. Be safe, be well, but above all, be diabolical friends.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.