Permanently Impeached Fat Fuck Sucks Own Dick, Rambles, Whines About Constitution for Room Full of Sycophantic Cultists

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A sweaty, rambling, permanently impeached fat fuck stood in a room in the White House and proceeded to suck his own dick, ramble incoherently, and whine about the very Constitution he swore an oath to defend this morning. The forever-impeached and tainted, most corrupt president of all time was taking a televised victory lap after he was able to bully enough Republican senators into remembering they took an oath to defend their political party and rushed his acquittal through a sham show trial without any witnesses or documents. The most powerful whiny bitch in the free world had an audience of his most loyal and devoted sycophantic cult members to cheer him on.

The obnoxious, inept, kleptocratic douche bag huffed, puffed, and attacked Congressional Democrats for daring to hold him accountable for trying to extort a foreign power into corrupting an election he was hoping to win his re-election in. He slammed the people who took umbrage with his attempts to use taxpayer dollars to strongarm a desperate ally locked in a hot war with the country’s number one adversary. The bloated, angry, Big Mac inhaling reality-TV con man attacked Mitt Romney, a senator from his own party, who invoked his religious beliefs when he voted to convict the tiny-handed tyrant on the charge he abused his power.

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The man who looked directly at a solar eclipse had the sheer audacity to call others “stone cold crazy.” The Adderall was flowing through his veins as he called the charges against him “bullshit,” having just come from a prayer breakfast where he pretended to be a Christian, despite having a history of paying multiple women to stay quiet about their sexual affairs, many of which were carried on after he was married.

“I’m really not a bad person,” the stupid fuck whined at one point.

Every chance he got, the tubby fuck tried to cram as much of his own dick into his mouth as he could. With all the bombastic rhetoric he could muster, he thumped his chest, sucked air in through the sides of his teeth, and inflated his impact on elections all over the country. For over an hour, the dumbest man to ever be president alternatingly wheezed, whined, and attacked American citizens like the pudgy cunt bully he truly is.


The bloviating, mendacity-spewing incompetent moron declared that attempting to use constitutional processes to hold a president accountable “can never happen again.” Experts say it’s the first time there’s been almost as much whining as self-fellatio in one of the bungling, bush-league, idiotic fuckwit in chief’s speeches or appearances. Some on the Hill have noted their confusion at some of the apparel of those in the audience.

“It’s odd, usually at meetings like this, everyone’s in big, white pointy hoods,” one staffer said, “yet here they all are, in broad daylight, hoods off. Scalise is there, even, and he’s spoken at white supremacist conferences before. I guess they don’t feel like they have to hide their faces anymore.”

Congressman Mark Meadows made sure, when the trust fund racist was done speaking for a moment, to pull the president’s dick out of his own mouth and his own. Meadows told the naked emperor that the support in the room was a small fraction of the support he has in the rest of the country. However, the president’s opinion polling still shows him as the least popular president of all time, so it’s unclear what exactly Meadows meant.

When the KFC, Diet Coke, and Adderall that keeps him awake had apparently run out in his blood stream, the bumbling idiot ended his event. Later in the afternoon, he was seen skulking around the White House lawn. Unlike earlier in the afternoon, however, he agreed to take questions.

“I will answer some questions from you the FAKE NEWS BOB MUELLER ANGRY DEMOCRAT 12 MILLION ILLEGAL MEXICAN ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE PRESS,” the titanically dopey man shouted, “but I have to just say something really quickly. Bigly quickly. Ready? Get ready. This is good, oh this is good folks.”

The man farted.

“I am acquitted. I am forever acquitted,” he shouted at everyone, “and in this country that means forever. Just like OJ. Just like Casey Anthony. I AM ACQUITTED FOREVER!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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