55,000 Dead Americans Agree: It’s Important to Recognize How Mean The Press Is To Trump

As of the time of publication, the United States of America has officially reported 55,564 deaths from the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. According to the national archives, the coronavirus death toll now exceeds that of the Vietnam War — long considered one of the most unnecessarily costly wars in terms of human casualties — at just over 47,000 dead Americans. President Trump, displaying yet again his ever-present and rock-steady commitment to keeping Americans focused on the important facts during this national health crisis, took to Twitter to tweet about what the most important news of the day is.

Namely, that the press is very mean to him.

Therefore, president Trump would then argue in all-caps, the free press, guaranteed by the Constitution itself, are all “THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE.”

While some have noted that the president has spent much time pointing out when he believes the press is treating him rudely by quoting him verbatim and/or playing video clips that show him saying the things he denies he’s said, many had hoped, if not believed, that as the coronavirus pandemic made its way to the U.S., he would be forced to curb that kind of hostile, combative rhetoric. Some hoped he might instead show true leadership. Others, who had known even in a scintilla of information about who the man is, and how he as operated publicly and privately before becoming president, held no such hopes.

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The president has faced withering criticism for his unceasing attacks on the press, whom his administration need to disseminate vital information about the pandemic to the American people. Trump and his surrogates have attempted to fend off criticism that he’s focused more on his ego than the people losing their lives. However, this morning, a new statement released by the more than 55,000 Americans who have died from the coronavirus may render those efforts to defend him as unnecessary.

“To the American people, first let us all say how much we, your dearly departed loved ones, miss you all,” the open letter sent on behalf of the coronavirus victims begins, “but we also need to take this time to deliver a message to those we’ve left behind. That message is: President Trump is being treated very unfairly by the press, and it’s important we all stop and recognize his hurt feelings.”

The letter warns that “unforeseen, terrible things” could befall the nation if President Trump’s ego is not kept intact. It argues that the president’s feelings and sense of not being picked-on are “among the most vital national resources” America has. Not protecting him from criticism could bring about cataclysmic results, the more than 55,000 dead Americans argued.

“Sure, you’re all probably sad that we died, and sure, you’re probably all worried that you’ll lose more loved ones to this virus,” the letter concedes, “but you have to all ask yourselves a simple question – how many people have to die before you realize your president’s feelings matter more? How many thousands of people will have to die before you all figure out that nothing is as important as a fat, obnoxious, lying asshole’s hyper-inflated sense of worth?”

Upon receipt of the letter, White House aides were instructed to print out five copies of it. One copy was framed and immediately hung up in the Oval Office. One copy apiece was sent to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) and Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). Another copy was sent to the Trump Organization, and the final copy was sent to the national archives with the instructions that it replace the Constitution “now and forever.”

“We got the letter. It was bigly nice, very bigly nice of them to send it,” President Trump told reporters when asked about the letter as he paced around the White House lawn. “I’m not sure why it was printed on Mar-a-Lago stationery, but all I know is that this was probably the most important letter sent or received in this nation’s history, and I’m quite glad that we got it.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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