WASHINGTON, D.C. — High Priest Vice President Mike Pence held a hastily thrown together press conference earlier this morning. The sole purpose behind it was to, according to Reverend Pence, “explain to the American people and the good folks at the Mayo Clinic” why he chose not to wear a mask during a visit to the famed hospital yesterday.
When Pastor Pence arrived at the Mayo Clinic to tour their facilities and particularly to see their battle against COVID-19 firsthand, he was literally the only human being inside not wearing a mask. Clinic staff reported that they had in fact made the vice president aware of hospital regulations that everyone inside wear facial coverings. Perhaps predictably, social media users were largely agog at the idea of one of the country’s top leaders not putting on a mask like every other person around him.
Pence tried to quickly put out the fires of bad press by stating he didn’t wear a mask so he could look people he met “in the eye.” It’s unclear whether the High Priest of the Church of White Nationalism understood or understands that masks worn in hospitals and by citizens in states that require them to do so do not cover the mask wearer’s eyes. Whether or not he knew that fact, Pence apparently knew that explanation was going to leave some wanting and left a lot of room for explanation, and so he strode out onto his front lawn and addressed the issue this morning.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today under His Eye so that I may explain what happened yesterday at the Mayo Clinic a little more in-depth,” High Priest Pence began. “In a nutshell, this was just a case of old habits dying hard. I certainly meant no offense by not wearing a mask, no matter how much it looked like I was putting on a performative show about how manly I am to face the virus head-on, without a mask, that’s for doohickey darn-heck sure!”
Pence told reporters that there is a “very logical and rational explanation” for his mask faux pas yesterday.
“The fact of the matter is that I’m just used to leaving the house with the president’s rectum covering my face,” the vice president explained. “Let me tell you this much — there is very little that can get past that man’s gloriously rotund and truly blessedly large buttocks. He was given a great, humongous set of cheeks by our creator, and when his anus is enveloping me in its soft, beef-smelling cavernous nooks and crannies, I could not feel any safer, even if I wanted to.”
Vice President Pence explained further that all the times he appears to be “just merely kissing-up” to President Trump, he’s actually just adjusting his “putrid PPE.”
“I’m not kissing the president’s hiney, okay, folks? Let’s not get it twisted,” Pence said. “When it looks like I’m trying to burrow my head all the way up the president’s truly tremendous tookus, I’m not doing it to make himself feel better, or to stroke his extremely fragile ego. I’m doing it to protect myself.”
Before concluding the press conference, High Holy Father Pence suggested that more Americans should consider his prefered brand of face mask as the coronavirus outbreak drags on.
“The president wasn’t with me at the time, and so my face was not covered while touring the Mayo Clinic, and perhaps I should have brought him along so it would have been,” Pence admitted. “The truth is, that I think more Americans should consider abandoning cloth masks or some other form of mask, and instead do what I do — cover your entire self with the president’s anus. I promise you, there’s no more safe or protective way to fend off COVID-19 than through our Dear President’s rectum. Go with God, but also more importantly, go with Trump. Amen.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.