As of the time of publication, this outlet can confirm that the Trump administration has begun the process of legally transitioning the president’s least favorite and intelligent sons — Donald Jr and Eric Trump — to President-elect Joseph R. Biden.
In a short written statement on official presidential stationery, President Donald Trump officially handed over his sons to Biden. This is a major and quite surprising turn of events, given that Trump has yet to concede last month’s election to Biden. President Trump, or lawyers representing him, have filed more than 50 lawsuits throughout the country, including the Supreme Court. They have lost all but one, and no significant number of votes have been invalidated or added to Trump’s certified totals.
President-elect Biden has amassed more votes in any one election than any candidate heretofore. President Trump, in a reverse-corollary, has now received the most votes against him than any other person who has run for the presidency. He will leave office next month with the dubious honor of never winning the popular vote, despite occupying the Oval Office. Previously, President George W. Bush had been elected in 2000 despite losing the popular vote, but won re-election four years later and managed to secure more votes than Democrat John Kerry.
Just today, Trump lost a case in the highest court possible. The Supreme Court declined, without any noted dissent, to hear the appeal of Rep. Mike Kelly of Pennsylvania. Kelly was looking to have the court invalidate his own election — one he was victorious in — so that his state legislators could attempt to install their own slate of electors. Trump’s crack (smocking) legal team, however, seemed unfazed by the Supreme Court’s decision.
“We will continue to make every effort to ignore the will of the people and to instead yield to the will of the selfish, ignorant, bigoted people instead,” former New York City Mayor and current professional fart league champion Rudy Giuliani told Newsmax today. “The simple fact is that the Supreme Court’s opinions are only suggestions, and that the Constitution, somewhere, we’re pretty sure, states unabivolently that the current president may and shall continue to be present until at such time as he doesn’t want to be, no matter what. It’s in there. We’ll find it, or we’ll mass dose everyone with brain-altering chemicals and implant the false memory in your heads that it exists and that’s pretty much the same fucking thing.”
Giuliani than vomited approximately 326 vodka martinis and half as many of the gin variety all over the Fox News studio, directly down Sean Hannity’s mouth. Hannity spat the puke onto his hand and started rubbing Dan Bongino off. All of this was being taped by Bongino’s sociopath “fact checker” who believes in Pizzagate and other such completely non-factual conspiracies because that’s how the right-wing hypocrisy bubble works, and will be available on Bongino’s Parler feed sometime tomorrow.
President Trump’s statement, authorizing the immediate transfer of Donald Jr. and Eric Trump, is reprinted below, verbatim.
“They’re your problem now, fucko.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.