WASHINGTON, D.C. — Admitting it publicly will not and cannot change his fate, and within a little over a month’s time, Donald John Trump will no longer be the President of the United States. He used to be able to brag to all who would listen that he had a perfect electoral record, and that he had literally won every one he’d entered. Despite the fact that he in fact received millions fewer votes than his competitor, in 2016’s election cycle, he emerged victorious, and entered the White House, hoping to repeat his victory this year, but also to win over the hearts and votes of more Americans than his Democratic challenger.
Alas, that did not come to pass, and next month former Vice President Joe Biden will take the oath of office and assume the 46th presidency in American history. His Vice President, Senator Kamala Harris, will be the first woman and person of color in the role. But as Biden is preparing to start his presidency, rumors are already swirling that President Trump isn’t quite done with his political aspirations, and is mulling a big decision for the 2024 cycle already.
“The president, at this time, feels like he might want to lose the popular vote a third time, going for the Fuck You Hat Tip, as it’s called in political jargon,” one White House staffer told The New York Gazette this morning. “Very few men have had the honor and distinction to lose the popular vote twice. To lose it thrice? Rarefied air indeed, my friend. Rarefied air indeed.”
Given his age, it’s unclear how many more times Trump can run, but sources say he is committed to being the least popular human being to ever run.
“This man has the heart of a fighter. Well, to be more accurate the clogged, blackened coal heart of a professional food eater,” one source was quoted as saying in the D.C. Herald-Tribune. “I don’t think the American people realize just how many times he’s willing to be told what a fucking asshole everyone thinks he is.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.