Nervous Ivanka Asks President Daddy If She’d Get Secret Service Protection in Jail

Did Ivanka Trump illegally steer money earmarked for her dad’s presidential inauguration into Trump Organization’s coffers? That’s why she gave testimony in a deposition this week, at any rate. Ms. Trump divulged at least that much herself, in a tweet.

As reported by CNN, the District Attorney of Washington, D.C. sued the Trump Organization earlier this year claiming they bilked donors out of more than a million dollars.

In January, the DC attorney general’s office sued the Trump Organization and Presidential Inaugural Committee alleging they abused more than $1 million raised by the nonprofit by “grossly overpaying” for use of event space at the Trump hotel in Washington for the 2017 inauguration. (CNN)

In her tweet, Ivanka complains that she was deposed for “5+ hours” and that the deposition was conducted by “the Democrat D.C. AG’s office,” implying a political motive behind the inquest. The Trump Campaign is being investigated for allegedly funnelling donations made for the inaugural event into much different avenues.

Apparently, despite the brave face she’s putting on in public, Ivanka is growing nervous privately. In a leaked phone call to her father, the President of the United States, Ivanka is heard desperately asking him about how long she’ll have Secret Service protection after he leaves office. A partial transcript of that call is published, below.

IVANKA TRUMP: Hey there! How’s the world’s hunkiest president doing today, huh? You doin’ well, Sexy?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ivanka my love! So great to hear your voice. Are you close by? Can you come over for a game of “Hide Daddy’s Picke” by chance?

IVANKA: (Laughing performatively) Ha ha ha! Jesus! You’re sexy AND hilarious? How lucky am I to have come from the balls of such a hilarious, SUPER SEXY MAN as yourself, President Daddy?

TRUMP: You’re too kind, my love, too kind. What are you wearing right now, by the way?

IVANKA: Why…whatever you want me to be wearing, Stud!

Unintelligible grunting noises


More unintelligible grunting.


Extremely loud grunting followed by a fart.

TRUMP: Ah! That’s better! Thanks baby! Now, what can I help you with?

IVANKA: Daddy, do you know how long our Secret Service protection lasts for?

TRUMP: As far as I know the rest of our lives, babe. Why?

IVANKA: Does that mean even if, for some really strange reason, one of us goes to jail? Like, will they protect us in jail, President Daddy?

TRUMP: I…that’s a good question, actually! To be honest I hadn’t ever thought about that before. I, uh, I gotta go, Sweet Tits! I need to make a couple calls. I’ll let you know what I find out!

RELATED: Heartbroken Trump Boys Think They Have to Call Joe Biden “Daddy” Now

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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