Trump Thought IRS Stood For “I Repulsed Stormy”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to an explosive new report in The New York Times, President Donald Trump paid only $750 in taxes in the years 2017 and 2018, and it’s very likely he has paid even less in most of the last decade. The report also details that he is in debt to the tune of over $400 million, though the article didn’t name who holds that debt over his head. However, this afternoon, as he re-entered the White House after giving a brief press update on the coronavirus pandemic, Trump was overheard telling staff that, if he did in fact not pay more in taxes in 2017, it was because, in part, he thought he paid the IRS more than he did.

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“All I know is that Michael Cohen, whoever that guy who worked as my personal fixer for years is, don’t really know him, wrote ‘FOR IRS’ on memo on the check for the payment that Stormy Daniels got,” Trump was heard explaining to Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick. “I asked him why the fuck he was giving so much money to the IRS, because he knows how much I am against paying taxes, and he laughed, and told me it stood for something else.”

Trump said he was quite curious to find out what “IRS” stood for, so he “asked some computer nerds to use the Google” and find out. However, the very next day, Cohen told him.

“He said that it stood for I Repulsed Stormy, which I thought was fake news, but made sense, so I let it go,” Trump said. “A few weeks later, I got this letter from the IRS, saying I owed them money. I wrote back, telling them to fuck off, and that I’d already paid Stormy, and I really never thought about it since!”

While it’s unclear just how much damage the Times reporting on Trump’s taxes might do to his re-election hopes, our sister publication The Political Garbage Chute reported some analysis on how much he did pay in 2017 and 2018. In the report, details emerge that seem to indicate President Trump spent a thousand times more on Big Mac cheeseburgers than he did in taxes in 2017.

“What we found, when we crunched the numbers and did some real forensic accounting,” Mark Markson, global spokesperson for The Institute of Data Analysis told reporters this morning, “is that in 2017 President Trump apparently spent three-quarters of a million dollars on Big Macs, but only paid $750 in taxes that year. That means he spent a thousand times more on Big Macs than he gave the United States Treasury.” (AltFacts)

The Trump campaign, Trump administration, and IRS could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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