Lindsey Graham Offering ‘Handies and Half-and-Halfs’ to Campaign Donors

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Taint) has not been coy or reticent about describing the dire situation his re-election campaign is in. Facing Democratic challenger Jamie Harrison, Graham is not only sinking in the polls, he’s gone on Fox News several times in the last few days, begging people to donate to his campaign.

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It would appear that Graham’s desperation has continued to grow in the last several hours.Today, his campaign announced that anyone who donates “over a certain amount” to Graham’s campaign will be eligible to receive either “handies” or a “half-and-half,” which according to Urban Dictionary is “a term used in prostitution to denote when a client receives both oral or digital copulation as well as penetration services.” In order to qualify for a hand job, Graham wants you to donate at least $1500 to his campaign.

“Look, I’m gettin’ absolutely clobbered right now. It’s weird, because I could’ve sworn Americans respect a spineless coward sucking up to a kingly president,” Graham told Sean Hannity on the radio today. “So I gotta start really thinkin’ outside the box, Sean, or I’m gonna be blown outta the water. That’s why I told my staff I’m ready to go the extra mile with anyone who goes to LindseyGraham.com right now and gives at least $1500 to my campaign.”

Graham told Hannity that it actually wasn’t his idea to offer handjobs and more to campaign donors. In fact, the suggestion came from a position of great power. According to Sen. Graham, it was President Donald J. Trump who told him he should “at least consider” the plan.

“I was talking to President Trump the other night, and he said that he thought I should leverage my talents, you know, do what I’m best at, to get the donations flowing again,” Graham explained. “Then, he pointed to his crotch and did that eyebrow raise thingy he does that used to repulse me but now, honestly, kinda turns me on. I got the hint, I knew what he was saying I should do.”

So once Graham finished Trump off, he said he called his campaign staff for an emergency meeting.

“I told them we are in a situation where I gotta pull out all the stops, even if that means pulling off some people at truck stops,” Graham said, “or KFC parking lots, or wherever they want to have a sitting senator stroke them off.”

While it might come as a surprise to readers who remember the same Sen. Lindsey Graham in 2016 lambast Trump during the Republican primary to see him taking Trump’s advice, perhaps it shouldn’t be such a surprise. In June of last year, this publication reported that Graham, who warned that Trump would destroy the GOP if he was elected, had told friends and colleagues he was “warming up” to the taste of Trump’s rectum, which might explain his decision to take Trump’s advice to heart.

“I guess you could say I’ve just had the opportunity over the last eighteen months to start warming up to the man,” Graham told reporters this morning. “And I’m not only warming up to him as a person, either. I’ve had the ability now to warm up to the taste of his butthole, and it’s quite exquisite, really.” (PGC)

Current polling shows a virtual dead heat between Graham and Harrison.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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