Barrett Promises to Leave Her Religion Out of Legal Opinions as Long as God and Her Husband Say She Can

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s capital is dug in for one hell of a fight. There seems to be very little doubt that Senate Republicans will do everything in their power — and perhaps some things technically not in their power — to rush Judge Amy Coney Barrett through the confirmation process and into the vacancy on the Supreme Court left by the passing of icon Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Many have noted the irony of a trailblazing gender equality pioneer being replaced on the bench by a woman whose legal opinions would often set back the very progress made by Ginsburg, but come hell or high water, the GOP seems bound and determined to help President Donald Trump cram a third justice onto the high court.

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Judge Barrett belongs to a right-wing evangelical group known as “People of Praise.” It’s a devout Catholic organization the details about which aren’t fully known. However, it’s clear from their published materials that one of their missions is to roll back abortion access in the United States. Judge Barrett’s pro-life political views are not secret, nor are her deeply rooted religious beliefs. Judge Barrett’s publicly stated religious views would seem to imply that she feels a large sense of deference to her husband.

Those beliefs are at the center of concern from moderates and liberals that she’ll attempt to shape court precedent according to those beliefs.

Barrett has frequently appeared in a “Vine and Branches,” the People of Praise magazine. Those mentions included birth and adoption announcements for some of her children and other passing mentions and images. A number of online versions of the issues that include her appear to have been removed from the website — though it is unclear why that action was taken. The magazine’s website no longer has issues for May 2006, July 2008, December 2008, March 2010, Winter 2011, Summer 2012 and Fall 2012, which all contained references to Barrett, her husband or children. (CNN)

In an obvious attempt to assuage the fears of some that she might end up being a religious hardliner on the bench, instead of an unbiased jurist, Ms. Barrett released a statement to the press today, promising to keep an “ideological wall” between her religious views and any of her legal opinions. That is, as long as a couple of conditions are met.

“To the American people, even the Godless amoral heathens I think really shouldn’t be considered Real Americans™,” Barrett wrote this morning, “I give you my solemn oath that I will not ever let my personal religious beliefs interfere with my legal opinions. I will keep an ideological wall between my thoughts and feelings as the member of a cult hellbent on rolling back literal centuries of progress, and my thoughts and feelings as a judge, installed by the leader of a party that’s become a cult hellbent on rolling back literal centuries of progress.”

Coney’s promise, however, came with a couple of caveats.

“That is, of course, unless God or my husband raise an objection,” Barrett wrote. “But my promise to you, the American people, the unwashed, sinful masses, is that I will leave my religion out of my legal opinions as long as God and my husband say I can.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Penile Folds) hailed Coney’s letter as a “breath of fresh zealotry.”

“It’s so nice to see that Judge Barrett knows how important it is to pretend to be unbiased,” Cruz told reporters, “even when you are 100% a right-wing religious nutbag. I commend her for that letter, and look forward to rubber stamping her lifelong term on the bench.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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