COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — If Donald Trump loses his reelection bid, right-wing podcaster and YouTube star Jethro Bohiggins says he’s “bigly prepared to make big changes” in his political views.
“I’ll tell you what, if our Dear President loses, and it will surely have been because Satan has taken back control of this fine country,” Bohiggins told his podcast audience this morning, “then I am bigly prepared to make big changes in my life. Right off the bat, I’m gonna start giving a shit if my president lies to me every single day and I think I might even start caring about whether he’s corrupt and forces taxpayers to give his hotels money every time he goes golfing.”
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Jethro admitted that for several years, caring about presidential corruption and deceit was “tops on the list” of things he cared about in a chief executive. During the Obama years in particular, Bohiggins was “up on every burp, sneeze, or fart” Obama had while in office, and knew that each one could be clue to figuring out just how Obama planned to use Sharia Commie Law and bring America down from within.
“Armed with the sane, rational truth from such luminaries of thought and philosophy as Joe Rogan, Glenn Beck, Ben Shapiro, Mike Thernovitch, and Rush Limbaugh,” Bohiggins said, “I was given insights every day into just how corrupt and full of it Obama was. I cared very deeply about every syllable he said being exactly and perfectly correct and true to the point that my feelings never got hurt. However, once Trump got in office, I realized that sometimes a president just has to lie. About literally everything.”
It’s not just lies and naked corruption that Bohiggins will find himself willing to care about once more if Trump loses.
“I think I’ll also start caring about the debt and deficit spending again,” Bohiggins admitted. “I mean, it felt good to suddenly be okay with spending like a drunken sailor as long as it was spending to help make up for losing the trade war with China. Or spending to keep people afloat because of how he handled the coronavirus thing. But spending to fix our roads, or pay teachers better? FUCK THAT SHIT STARTING EXACTLY JANUARY 21st, FAM!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.