75 Million Americans Wipe and Flush

It took a few days. It took counting millions of mail-in ballots under the pressure of a sea of angry, ignorant masses demanding they stop doing their civic duty. But in the end, it appears as the states of Georgia and Pennsylvania moved solidly into Joe Biden’s pocket, that after four years America has indeed decided it was time to wipe and flush.

Experts say that no matter how many times this particularly pesky poop tries to keep coming back up, or even refuses to go, he is indeed going to circle the drain and be flushed out to sea. They suggest that if this turd refuses to wash down the bowl, that Americans keep pushing the handle down every time it fills with enough water to fully flush. Eventually, they say, the massive orange diarrhea clot will be flushed away.

ALSO: 74 Year Old Toddler Claims Victory Without Actually Winning

This morning, just before noon on the east coast, the Associated Press called the presidential race for former Vice President Joe Biden, signalling the defeat of the turd in the White House. Reportedly, when news broke of the AP’s final call for the 2020 election, the fecal matter in chief was out on the golf course. No other alleged president has spent more time golfing during his term than this particular poopy did.

It should be noted that there is no expectation of a concession speeches. Usually, when you flush a piece of shit down the toilet, it doesn’t give a concession speech either, however. It’s also unclear if and when the current occupant of the White House will stop filing frivolous, worthless lawsuits in order to stop the inevitable — his loss — but as of this morning, he and his supporters were still threatening to gum up the works as much as they possibly could.

What happens now is a bit unclear, because we are facing a turd that is quite stubbornly refusing to go down. And this crap has no problem smearing itself all over the bowl on its way out. Regardless of the poop’s wishes, however, it cannot fight gravity forever, and eventually it will be flushed away.

For now, it appears that more than 75 millions have decided that 2020 was the time to wipe and flush, and they have done so.

ALSO: Moscow Joins Trump Lawsuit Seeking to End Vote Counting in Pennsylvania

Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, or signing up for my Patreon.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This