WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, before the entire nation, a 74 year old toddler claimed victory. However, as facts bear out, he didn’t actually win.
“If you count the legal votes, I win,” the elderly man-baby howled from the White House.
The man, who happens to be the most powerful person in the free world — at least until next January, it would seem — stomped his feet and spewed lies about the election that took place this week. He was up against a man who worked in the toddler’s predecessor’s administration. The race was hard-fought, and seemed to last even longer than usual in a year that was also forcing the country to deal with a global pandemic, but in the end, it seems the tantruming old man’s efforts to dissuade his own followers from using mail-in voting might have doomed him to the humiliating fate of pretending to win an election he did not, in fact, win.
After he spent fifteen minutes baselessly accusing Democrats of “stealing” the election from him — a claim that seems to indicate he has a different definition for the term “electing someone else” — the crybaby loser didn’t take any questions from reporters, who he’d spent four years calling the “enemy of the people” and other insulting terms.
Strangely, though, despite this sundowning senior citizen’s claims, his leads disappeared in both Georgia and Pennsylvania. Sources on the ground in both states say it’s because people just keep counting legally cast ballots. In reality, if he loses Arizona and Nevada, he will have lost in quite a convincing rebuke of his presidency, but that does not seem to be how the manchild in chief will frame his loss.
According to several sources within the White Power House, the crying old man will begin referring to himself as “Always President” very soon.
“I WILL NEVER CONCEDE! DO YOU HEAR ME AMERICA?! I WILL NEVER, EVER CONCEDE,” the angry manbaby howled from within his Oval Office this moring. ” I AM THE ALWAYS PRESIDENT! NOW AND FOREVER, AND YOU CUCKS CANNOT TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME JUST BECAUSE I GOT FEWER VOTES!”
At the time of publication, the toddler’s diaper was still full and he was still rage-tweeting about free and fair elections and how they work.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.