DIPPSHITT, NEW JERSEY — In front of a small group of his friends, a whiny snowflake and former, one-term, twice-permanently impeached president announced that he was suing Twitter and Facebook for having rules they reluctantly enforced on him, which resulted in his being permanently barred from one site and potentially from the other as well.
Since January, Donald J. Trump has not had a presence on either social media site. That’s because after years of abusing Facebook’s and Twitter’s terms of service, skirting enforcement because he was the sitting president, the social media titans took action against him following his failed coup attempt on the 6th of January. Trump repeatedly used both sites to magnify false information about COVID-19 and lies about his election loss being the result of rampant fraud.
Trump lost nearly five dozen court cases in the weeks after the election, but repeatedly insisted he could be kept in power if Vice President Mike Pence ignored the Constitution and inserted his will over the American people’s votes, which had been certified by all fifty states at that point. While the attack was taking place, Trump continued to use Facebook and Twitter to amplify his lies, and that is what ended up costing him access to those accounts.
Scholars have noted that Trump’s whining since losing back last November has amounted to the most amount of bellyaching that has ever been recorded in American history. His whining was so prolific it earned him the title of “Whiny Bitch Snowflake of the Century” from Judging How Much People Complain About the Consequences of Their Own Actions Magazine earlier this year.
Shortly after his press conference announcing the suit, former President Trump agreed to answer a few questions from friendly news outlets like Fox News, OAN, Newsmax, and KlanTV.
“As everyone knows, throughout my presidency, I complained quite a bit about how much Big Teach was bullying me and censoring me to my 80-plus million followers,” Trump said. “So this is nothing new. But basically, we’re suing because we think it’s very unfair and frankly cuck-y for them to have rules I refuse to follow. Do they not know who I am?!”
Trump said it was “very rude” of Twitter and Facebook to let him “get away with murder and whatever lies” he wanted to tell for so long, only to “pull the rug out” from under him after his insurrection failed.
“I bet if my beautiful MAGAs had carried the day, if Mike Pence had shown the kind of unconstitutional courage it takes to be a true autocratic leader,” Trump suggested, “Big Tech would have been much nicer to me. But now? I sue the living balls off them.”
Trump said he’s seeking “at least six trillion” in damages, but would settle for having his accounts restored and an apology.
“Obviously Jack Tweeter and Mark Faceberg each owe me at least three trillion each, but I’d settle for just being able to post stupid shit again,” Trump groused. “Honestly, when I’m rightfully restored to my throne on August 13th, after being sworn in by Mike Lindell and Sasquatch, I am going to take care of this by issuing an executive decree forcing Facebook and Twitter to be renamed Trump-ter and FaceTrump, and they can never silence me or my WONDERFUL MAGAs ever again!”
Twitter and Facebook could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.