New Poll: 60% of Republicans and 100% of Morons Back Trump in 2024

In American history, few men have lost a presidential election only to come back and win one later, though in the past six decades, it has happened three times. Presidents Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, and George HW Bush all won the presidency after trying and failing to do so in a previous election. Typically, when a man loses a presidential election after previously occupying the Oval Office, that person steps away from the spotlight and their party tried to move on and find a better candidate for the next time around.

Former, one-term, twice-permanently impeached President Donald J. Trump never much cared for the norms and traditions in American politics, however. The question so many political observers have been trying to answer is whether or not he will maintain a grip on the Republican Party, and how tightly that grip will hold it. Despite having what doctors once called “teeny tiny, cute widdle handy-wandies,” though, it appears that Trump’s clenched fists do indeed hold the reigns on the GOP’s direction, and may be the way for quite sometime to come.

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A new poll conducted by We Poll You So Hard seems to indicate that, at least for the foreseeable future, Trump’s sway over the Republican voters is still quite strong, months after he lost both his election and insurrection attempts. WPYSH spokesperson Kristine Tillamook told reporters about the poll’s results during a press conference held this morning.

“Our latest 2024 polling is quite clear — six in ten Republicans, and ten in ten morons are supporting Donald Trump, should he decide to run again,” Ms. Tillamook stated. “With numbers like these, the Republican nomination is pretty much already in the bag for him, if he wants to lose the popular vote for a third time. Ronald Reagan himself could return from beyond the grave, and he’d enjoy maybe 25-30% of the moron vote, but that means Trump would still trounce him.”

While Trump’s early lead primary polling doesn’t bode well for potential challengers, Tillamook says all hope isn’t lost for them, not yet anyway.

“The average life expectancy of an American male is 78.54 years old. Donald Trump just turned 75. The next election isn’t for another four years,” Tilamook said. “So that math alone shows that he’s got a long road ahead of him. A road littered with Big Mac boxes and KFC buckets. So it’s still quite possible someone else will be the Republican nominee. Unless they decide it’s okay to vote for a corpse for president, but they haven’t done that since Reagan’s re-election, so we’ll have to wait and see.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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