Doctors around the country are sounding the alarm, trying to warn single women of a health risk that the medical community is just becoming aware of.
According to a new study published in The American Journal of Science Stuff, dating someone who believes that the 2020 election was stolen from Donald Trump could lead to “permanent and irreparable vaginal dryness.” The AJSS’s study was conducted over the course of the last seven months, since just after the election was certified in all fifty states and Joe Biden was declared the winner. Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, the AJSS’s head of research explained his team’s findings during a press conference held this morning.
“Obviously, we’re at the very beginning stages of this process, but the peer review we’ve done so far indicates that our initial conclusions are fairly accurate,” Dr. Hornaydieux said. “Basically, the more someone talks about the election being stolen, the dryer a normal vagina will get. Keep in mind, that a woman who wears confederate flag memorabilia and goes to her family reunions looking for romance will skew the numbers ever so slightly, but the overwhelming majority of vaginae will respond quite harshly to MAGA rhetoric in general, and they usually close up and seal themselves shut when MAGAs start talking about stolen elections.”
Hornaydieux said that the new report’s findings build on research that the AJSS has conducted for several years.
“In 2017 we confirmed that mansplaining was more effective in reducing the chances of pregnancy than condoms,” Hornaydieux explained, “and we found an interesting nexus of mansplainers and election truthers. Lots of crossover there, which I’m sure no one is really surprised about. But even mainsplaining doesn’t seem to wick away vaginal lubricants the same way that talking about stolen elections does. That takes the revulsion to biblical levels, from what we can see.”
When a woman hears someone talking about the election being stolen, Hornaydieux said his team was able to show that nine out of ten times, her vagina will lose all its moisture. The concern, according to Hornaydieux, is that the condition isn’t temporary. Instead, it would appear that the data points to a permanent dryness.
“Sure, there are products out there than can help lubricate a dry vagina, but the woman in question still has to actually want to fuck you,” Dr. Hornaydieux said, “medically speaking, because otherwise all the KY in the world will do only so much. It would appear that for average American women, stolen elections are pussy kryptonite, which is a very real medical term from a medical training manual I read one time in the 1990’s.”
Dr. Hornaydieux thinks women should be “careful and cautious” but shouldn’t worry overly much about his team’s new report. There are many ways that women can avoid permanent vaginal dryness.
“Of course every woman should be careful to avoid anything or anybody that could permanently dry up her vagina,” Hornaydieux conceded, “however, the simple truth is that asking someone a very simple question — Who won the election? — will get you all the information you need. Just be sure not to follow up with a question as to why they feel that way, otherwise you could hear a ten minute monologue about bamboo on ballots and Hugo Chavez’s ghost that leaves your vagina dryer than a well-done steak.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.