Trump: “Okay You Poor Little Shits, You Get Your Check. Now Go Die for Capitalism.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Microphones caught President Donald J. Trump in a hot mic situation this week, after he’d just concluded the Oval Office signing of the largest stimulus package in U.S. history. Having just signed the $2 trillion coronavirus stimulus, the president thanked everyone in attendance, and the gathering started to break up. As reporters and their cameras were leaving the room, however, the picked up Trump talking to fellow birther, Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, about the the stimulus.

“There, that’s done, thank God,” Trump could be heard telling Meadows. “You know what I wanna everyone now, Mark? I wanna round ’em all up, get them out of their disgusting little hovels, wipe the dirt and poor person grime off their faces, and look ’em dead in the eyes. Then I wanna say to them, ‘Okay you poor little shits, you get your check. Now go die for capitalism, and more importantly, my re-election.'”

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Meadows enjoyed that comment greatly, and could be heard chuckling loudly as he adjusted his white robes to lay a little more comfortably on his body. Meadows could be seen laughing to himself as he put his hood on and left the Oval Office, giving his boss an approving thumbs up as he just kept laughing. The president then leaned back in his chair, put his feet up on the Resolute Desk, and signalled for an aide to bring him a bucket of fried chicken and a gallon of Diet Coke. Within moments, the food and drink were delivered to him, and he began feasting.

“Hopefully once all those stupid little poors get their dumb money they’ll get their lazy asses back out to work for MY economy,” Trump could be heard chomping down on the chicken, guzzling the Diet Coke every few bites. “But if they don’t, I’ll just hereby order that shit to happen, and it has to happen. If they still don’t immediately get back to work, I’ll just declare Marshall Mathers Law and Eminem will be forced to help me round them up and put them in the brown baby camps down on the border. It’s time to get tough with this fucking pieces of shit, know what I mean?”

It wasn’t clear who Trump was speaking to at that point, as the room had been cleared of everyone else. This morning, speaking on AM conservative talk radio, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Colon) said that he doesn’t think Trump “meant anything mean or bad” when said everyone should go die for capitalism. Instead, Graham thinks Trump “was speaking in his typically colorful prose” and that as a Republican, he was just “staying on message about the free market.”

“Sure, he’s given farmers socialist bailouts. Sure, he’s tried to bully private companies into doing things his entire presidency like socialist dictators do,” Graham admitted to W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly, “but he was speaking in his typically colorful prose. He’s a Republican. So, being a Republican, all he was doing there is staying on message about the free market.”

Reportedly, Trump spent the rest of the day planning his Instagram Live cross burning that was announced earlier in the week. The Trump campaign reportedly decided to hold the Instagram book burning as a way to generate the same kind of buzz and energy that Trump’s rallies do.

“None of us really wanted to cancel the rallies in the first place,” Brad Parscale, campaign manager, announced in a series of tweets today, “but we are extremely happy to announce that we’ve come up with a way to use and leverage technology and hold a virtual rally. This virtual rally will feature all the key things you’ve come to expect from a Trump rally — racism and a loud moron shouting lies and conspiracy theories into a microphone, and of course, a cross lighting.” (AltFacts)

The United States became the global leader in confirmed coronavirus cases this week. Shelter in place, social distancing, and self-quarantine measures have been in place throughout most of the country for at least two weeks. There are many who believe the coronavirus stimulus package, which included direct cash payments to most adult taxpayers and their children, will need to be repeated, as there are so many Americans currently out of work or furloughed from the jobs. The stock markets have been roiled in the wake of all the safety precautions, and Trump has long connected his re-election to the economy.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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