Trump Brags That Obama ‘Could Never Have as Many COVIDs’ As He Has

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is still attempting to guide the country through a pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the “novel coronavirus,” as it’s also known. Though his administration was warned in intelligence briefings weeks ahead of time about the pandemic, the president decided not to pass this warning along to the American people. By the time the disease made its way onto American shores, the idea of containing the outbreak was all but impossible, and instead a strategy to mitigate it had to be formulated.

This week, the United States became the worldwide leader in confirmed COVID cases, surpassing even China, where many believe the global outbreak began. Some politicians might be tempted to avoid even talking about this fact, but Trump decided to lean into it this morning as he paced around the White House lawn, telling reporters he was getting some “fresh air” after being “cooped up inside that stupid White House” for days on end. President Trump used the fact that the U.S. has the most confirmed COVID infections as a point of bragging rights, even drawing comparisons to the now delayed summer Olympic Games in Japan.

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“Look, maybe your dear president took a look at the postponed Olympics and said to himself he should give Americans that same feeling of pride when they watch one of their star athletes win a gold medal,” Trump yelled at the press. “Maybe he decided that the U.S. has a rightful place on the top podium! Think about that, before you judge me. I just happen to think that America should never be Number Two in anything, ever. Everyone who knows me knows I like Number One, anyway.”

Trump took his boasting up a notch and compared his “number of COVIDs” to those of former presidents.

“And another thing,” Trump bragged, “I now hold yet another record. A bigly one. Highest number of COVIDs. Boom. Me. That’s me, I have the highest amount of COVIDs than any other president. We’re talking from Washington, to my favorite Civil War president Jeff Douglass, all the way to the previous black administration. I’m higher in COVIDs than ALL of them combined!”

The president wasn’t quite done boasting, though.

“In fact, I don’t know if I should say this, but then again every time I say that I end up saying fucked-up shit anyway, so who cares? Anyway, I’m positive, completely and totally positive,” Trump said, “that Obama could never have as many COVIDs as I have. Never. I bet that idiot didn’t even try to have as many COVIDs as I have. He prolly didn’t even sit on his hands and ignore COVID like I did, because he’s a cuck and has no idea what winning really is.”

Trump had a much less contentious exchange with the reporters on the White House lawn than he had last week during a coronavirus task force press briefing. When a reporter from NPR asked Trump if he had a message for scared Americans, the president lashed out. He called it a “gotcha request for comfort,” and angrily berated the reporters.

“HOLY SHIT! REALLY? REALLY? REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY,” Trump howled at Gaston. “I swear to God, this kind of nastiness, this kind of meanness, is why I sometimes wonder if we don’t need to look at opening up the First Amendment and changing a few things. Freedom of the press? Bullshit. More like freedom to be hostile, mean jerks to me.” (AltFacts)

President Obama could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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