WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an executive order he’s calling “bigly urgent and emergency-ical,” President Donald J. Trump has officially demanded that billionaire George Soros defund AntiFa.
The order, signed this morning after the president had his customary six bowls of Lucky Charms, deep-fried hot dog, bump of adderall, and gallon of Diet Coke, gives Mr. Soros a week to comply. The Trump administration is convinced, according to the order, that Soros is “bankrolling the domestic terror corporation AntiFa and all its franchises throughout America.” Though AntiFa — or “antifacist” for short — does not seem to have any documented organizational charter, Trump pointed to “certain intel” the administration is privy to that proves they are in fact a well-funded cartel of “millennials and anti-Trumpers.”
“I got this intel right from the nice folks at 4Chan, so you know you can trust this as if it were coming right from Alex Jones’ chemtrails,” Trump said as he swiped his small hand and giant crayon across the order. “Those fine trolls made us aware of evidence they have heard exists from one of the guys’ second cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s co-workers that George Soros personally gives every member of AntiFa six trillion dollars a day to undermine me! We cannot let that stand, and I am hereby ordering Mr. Soros to defund AntiFa. RIGHT NOW!”
For weeks, protests of police brutality — particularly against people of color — have taken place all over America. Sparking the protests was a nearly nine minute video of a Minneapolis police officer killing an unarmed black suspect by kneeling on his neck while four other officers watched and did nothing. In some American cities, the protests and property destruction have continued, even with the administration sending unidentified federal mercenaries to patrol the streets, such as those widely reported on in Portland.
“Antifa is the greatest threat this country faces. Not the virus I ignored and called a hoax,” Trump said after he had gotten done signing the order, “and not the economic collapse that will only get worse because I tried to force states to open back up so that it could look like the economy wasn’t actually collapsing. It’s Antifa. It’s all Antifa, and the first step toward defeating them is convincing George Soros to stop giving them all that money!”
In recent weeks, Trump and his allies in Congress and the press have increased their rhetorical attacks on Antifa. Just a few weeks back, Trump officially declared it a terrorist organization. As we reported at the time, while some world leaders might scoff at labeling Antifa as terrorists, one leader in particular — the ghost of Adolf Hitler — was quite vocal in his support of the move.
“What a spectacular reversal of fortune that would be for an American president to be pro-fascism! I think I might be coming around on that slobby pig poser. Oh, don’t get me wrong. He still doesn’t have die hoden to really dig in on the whole camp thing, but it would sure bring a smile to my face if he did it, and I’d have to give him credit where credit’s due.” (PGC)
Sister publication Alternative Facts reported that thanks to pressure from Trump, Antifa, Inc. was exposed and had to admit that it had been recruiting seniors for its nefarious operations. When a man in his late seventies was knocked over by police in Buffalo, New York, many assumed it was the police who were at fault. However, President Trump exposed that the man might have been an Antifa operative, which forced Antifa, Inc. to admit they had in fact been trying to swell their ranks with residents of nursing homes.
“You know, when my staff first started asking me about recruiting people in their seventies, I thought they were nuts,” Antifa told reporters later in the day, after the statement had been sent to dozens of media outlets. “I told them that I felt Antifa should always be made up of the people the right says we are: white, soy latte drinking betacucks in their late 20’s with gender studies degrees.” (AltFacts)
It’s unclear exactly what consequences Soros will face if he doesn’t defund Antifa, however Trump warned the billionaire not to test him.
“I am sure whatever crazy, harebrained, idiotic, and frankly unconstitutional thing I come up with,” Trump admonished Soros, “will be completely defended by Billy Barr. So Soros should be warned — all bets are off!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.