Matt Gaetz Accused of Using Taxpayer Money to Build Bars in His Living Room, Dining Room, Bedroom, Bathroom, and Garage

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) admitted that he improperly used taxpayer dollars to pay for things like a television studio in his father’s home, and paying a speechwriter, which are prohibited by law. Reportedly, he’s not quite willing to admit yet, though, that he also used taxpayer dollars to build five separate bars in his Florida home.

MORE: Trump Announces Start of “Operation Legendary Fascist Show of Force Against People of Color”

“We’ve been made aware of an accusation that Congressman Gaetz used money from the taxpayers to build five individual bars, or pubs, in his one home in Florida,” a statement issued by the House ethics committee said, “and we are investigating those allegations. Given Mr. Gaetz’ admission that he’s used the American people’s money improperly before, we’d be derelict in our duties if we didn’t turn over every shot glass in this investigation.”

An ethics committee investigation into Gaetz admitted impropriety is already underway. However, these new explosive allegations could bring even more shame and embarrassment to Gaetz, if he weren’t medically incapable of feeling either of those emotions, as confirmed by capital medical staff. Mr. Gaetz has at least one previous DUI, though given his family’s money and connections, rumors have swirled in Florida for some time that he may have skirted the law more than once when it comes to drinking and driving.

Gaetz, who wore a gas mask on the House floor to mock colleagues wearing face masks to prevent the spread of COVID-19, denied the new accusations at a press conference just outside his congressional office, which also contains three wet bars.

“Yessss, yess, okay, assholes? Yes. I have, like five bars in my house. Whadareyougonnadoaboutit, tough guy,” Gaetz asked, his breath smelling like a distillery. “But you don’ know wherrrrrre I got that money from, do you? And you can’t prove SHIT!”

Gaetz explained that he “needs” to have more than one bar in his home.

“I can’t be expected to walk all the way to my bathroom to make a drink when I’m in the bedroom already,” Gaetz said with incredulity, “and I will challenge anyone who tells me I should have to do that to a duel, Hamilton-Burr style! HEY! HEY! HEY! YOU DO NOT WANNAFUCKWITH ME, OKAY?! My dad is rich!”

Each bar in his home has its own unique theme, Gaetz said.

“I’ve got the sports bar, the other sports bar, the third sports bar, the fourth sports bar, and the fifth one is called Donald’s Place,” Gaetz explained. “That’s where I hope to throw a couple back with my man Donny Trump one day. I know he doesn’t drink, but fuck it, mannnnnnn! I’ll drink ’em and he can just stand next to me so I can smell his scent!”

Ultimately, Gaetz feels it’s an encroachment on his American civil liberties to be questioned in such a manner.

“Whose business is it, anyways, if I have sixteen bars in my house,” Gaetz asked. “It’s my right, goddamnit! I can do whateverrrr the fuckkkk I wanna do, cuz my daddy told me, and my president daddy backs me up because I give him the full-Ivanka from time to time, so there!”

MORE: Ghosts of Elijah Cummings and John Lewis Mistake Jar of Mayonnaise for Marco Rubio

Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, signing up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Want to Read Some Excerpts From The New Bible Trump Is Selling?

When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can't...

I Applaud Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Efforts to Free My Antifa Brethren From Jail

"...imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring...

What If Trump Uses Ivanka’s OnlyFans to Payoff His Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fines?

"...it turns out Eric Trump  spent all his money this week on magic beans...

I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they'll tell you without batting a single eyelash...