WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) admitted that he improperly used taxpayer dollars to pay for things like a television studio in his father’s home, and paying a speechwriter, which are prohibited by law. Reportedly, he’s not quite willing to admit yet, though, that he also used taxpayer dollars to build five separate bars in his Florida home.
“We’ve been made aware of an accusation that Congressman Gaetz used money from the taxpayers to build five individual bars, or pubs, in his one home in Florida,” a statement issued by the House ethics committee said, “and we are investigating those allegations. Given Mr. Gaetz’ admission that he’s used the American people’s money improperly before, we’d be derelict in our duties if we didn’t turn over every shot glass in this investigation.”
An ethics committee investigation into Gaetz admitted impropriety is already underway. However, these new explosive allegations could bring even more shame and embarrassment to Gaetz, if he weren’t medically incapable of feeling either of those emotions, as confirmed by capital medical staff. Mr. Gaetz has at least one previous DUI, though given his family’s money and connections, rumors have swirled in Florida for some time that he may have skirted the law more than once when it comes to drinking and driving.
Gaetz, who wore a gas mask on the House floor to mock colleagues wearing face masks to prevent the spread of COVID-19, denied the new accusations at a press conference just outside his congressional office, which also contains three wet bars.
“Yessss, yess, okay, assholes? Yes. I have, like five bars in my house. Whadareyougonnadoaboutit, tough guy,” Gaetz asked, his breath smelling like a distillery. “But you don’ know wherrrrrre I got that money from, do you? And you can’t prove SHIT!”
Gaetz explained that he “needs” to have more than one bar in his home.
“I can’t be expected to walk all the way to my bathroom to make a drink when I’m in the bedroom already,” Gaetz said with incredulity, “and I will challenge anyone who tells me I should have to do that to a duel, Hamilton-Burr style! HEY! HEY! HEY! YOU DO NOT WANNAFUCKWITH ME, OKAY?! My dad is rich!”
Each bar in his home has its own unique theme, Gaetz said.
“I’ve got the sports bar, the other sports bar, the third sports bar, the fourth sports bar, and the fifth one is called Donald’s Place,” Gaetz explained. “That’s where I hope to throw a couple back with my man Donny Trump one day. I know he doesn’t drink, but fuck it, mannnnnnn! I’ll drink ’em and he can just stand next to me so I can smell his scent!”
Ultimately, Gaetz feels it’s an encroachment on his American civil liberties to be questioned in such a manner.
“Whose business is it, anyways, if I have sixteen bars in my house,” Gaetz asked. “It’s my right, goddamnit! I can do whateverrrr the fuckkkk I wanna do, cuz my daddy told me, and my president daddy backs me up because I give him the full-Ivanka from time to time, so there!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.