Win or Lose, Trump is Entitled to Secret Service Protection and Lindsey Graham BJs For Life

The truth is, despite the punditry class and America’s elected officials’ high-volume assertions, nobody really knows what the outcome of the 2020 presidential election will be. In less than twenty-four hours, the sun will rise on the day that Americans decide if President Donald Trump should get a second term. In reality, of course, millions and millions of Americans have already made their choices via mail-in voting, but nobody really knows how things will sort themselves out, once the votes are counted, or at least once the votes are counted that the president wants to have counted.

It’s entirely possible that the polling could be misleading this time around. Pollsters and those who are paid large amounts of money to guess these sorts of things are assuring the public that they made adjustments to their models after Trump stunned the world in 2016. However, most polling data is now showing that Trump’s opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, has the president in his sights, and that after Americans vote this time around, he could be the first one-term president since George H.W. Bush was defeated by Bill Clinton in 1992.

MORE: Biden Supporters Surround Trump Bus and Tell It How to Get to Sesame Street

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What is clear and settled, however, is that win, lose, or draw, President Donald Trump will be entitled to certain protections and benefits of being a former president. Those benefits and protections will last the rest of his life. This morning, the Office of Official Federal Government Shit released a statement confirming that Trump, like those before him, will be entitled to those protections and benefits.

“President Donald Trump will be entitled to Secret Service protection for the rest of his life,” the OOFG announcement states. “This means that agents will be stationed around him, guarding his safety, until he draws his last breath.”

But it’s not just Secret Service protection that Trump is entitled to, whether he’s in office or not.

“I just want the president to know he’s my president. He’ll always be my president. And as such,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told reporters, “he is entitled to a sloppy, public beejer from me any time he so chooses. Over the last four years, I have grown actually to be quite fond of the taste of the president’s genitals and will frankly miss it if he loses, so I’m here to say right here, and right now, I will never, ever stop sucking Donald Trump off. Ever.”

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Reportedly, Graham’s declaration isn’t sitting completely well with everyone in Trump’s orbit.

“Matt Gaetz is pretty pissed at Lindsey right now,” one source close to the situation divulged to us. “He and Devin Nunes feel they’re entitled to the first few licks on the lolly, if you get my drift, and they think Lindsey is horning in on their action. It’s gonna get real interesting over the next few years, that’s for sure.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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