HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — Bill Millen, a self-described “televangelist for Trump,” told his flock today that he has released a new, “MAGA-friendly” edition of the Holy Bible, and it’s for sale on his church’s website. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of each pro-Trump Bible will go toward Millen’s “most cherished charity.”
“My private jet fuel fund. It takes a lot of your tithing to pay for the stuff that makes my jet move,” Millen told his congregation today, “and so we wanted to have an even more special, specific way you can move the Gospel of Cashola around the world! Those poor villagers in all those shithole countries won’t proselytize to themselves, you know!”
The MAGA-friendly Bibles were created by Millen and his wife Karen “painstakingly curating” the New King James version of the Bible, he said, and “hand selecting the most pro-America, pro-capitalism, pro-Trump” passages. When he was done, what he found was that he and Karen and gathered up enough material for three full pages, printed with a 72-point font, that “are perfectly suited for the MAGA-agenda.”
“Folks, this is the only Bible every true patriot needs! All the other versions contain material that runs directly counter to Trumpism,” Millen said, injecting his voice with deep levels of concern. “Imagine! It’s just horrifying to think about the kind of religion we used to call Christianity, before our Lard and Savior Donald Trump came to power, and showed us the True, MAGA-fied way to live a life of Christ-ish devotion to Christian-adjacent values.”
Rev. Millen admitted that he was short on the number of verses that could be used, and so he had to bookend his MAGA Bible with the same verses.
“But that still means my wife Karen and I found two ENTIRE verses in the Bible that do not in any way, shape, or form contradict the teachings of the wise business mogul and reality TV game show host we call president,” Millen said with enthusiasm. “I know I speak for Karen — because the Bible tells me to, but also because I know her heart — when I say it was the thrill of a lifetime finding these two verses and putting them in a book that you can buy for just $29.99!”
In order to build suspense, Millen would not divulge which verses from the older versions of the Bible he put in his pro-Trump version. However, he did say that “true blue, ammo hoarding, red meat eating, cousin fucking patriots” will appreciate both of them.
“Let’s just say our Jesus won’t heal nobody with a co-pay, and he knows turning the other cheek is for sissified libtards,” Millen said. “So please, reach deep into your pockets, and find twenty bucks to get the ONLY Bible you need, and God willing he secure re-election, the only Bible you’ll be ALLOWED to own, very soon.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.