Trump Demands Schwarzenegger Help Extinguish Brushfires in ‘His Own Home Country’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the years, an undeniable lack of love has been witnessed between two celebrities-turned-Republican politicians: former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and current President Donald J. Trump. When Schwarzenegger took over hosting duties on Trump’s reality competition show, The Apprentice, and ratings took a dive, Trump mocked the action star, despite becoming president. During the course of Trump’s administration, Schwarzenegger has not shied away from criticizing Trump, particularly on humanitarian and ecological conservation issues.

Today, President Trump threw another log onto the fires of his tempestuous relationship with the Terminator star. Shouting at reporters while awaiting a helicopter ride to a doughnut shop, Trump attacked Schwarzenegger as a “Hollyweird libtard cuck” who “simply isn’t doing anything to help his country” as it faces deadly fires. Trump was referring to the Australian brush fires savaging the continent down under. The president said it’s a “damn shame Arnold has the time to criticize” him, but can’t take time to help Australian firefighters put out the fires that have burned millions of acres and killed more than a dozen people.

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“That’s his original home country, and he’s turning his back on them. Typical Never-Trumper, if you ask me,” Trump yelled. “I ask you this, why should America, my government, the one Article Two gives me complete and total control over, pay a dime to help those Ossies, when one of their most famous IMMIGRANTS, WINK WINK, won’t even help them? He’s rich as hell, too! It’s just a damn shame, really.”

An aide to the president put a map of the world in Trump’s hands. After attempting to hold the 8.5″x11″ piece of paper in a landscape format without it slipping out of his miniscule grip, Trump wadded the map printout up, pushed it down the backside of his pants, and made an audible grunting noise for a solid twenty seconds. Then, he continued.

“I knew he was hinky. I knew he was suspicious back when they made those Crocodile Dungaree movies and he wouldn’t be in them,” Trump said. “And I’ve never heard him ONCE tell me I need to throw another shrimp on the barbie. What kind of man turns his back on his country like that?”

Just then, Trump’s unsecured iPhone rang in his pocket. The president hushed the reporters. He answered the call.

“Hello? Hello? Oh, hi! Vlad! How are you,” Trump screamed into the phone. “Hey, lemme call you right back. I’m doing a thing right now with the enemies of the people. Yeah. We can discuss our 2020 strategy on the chopper, Vlad! Great to hear from you.”

Trump hung up.

“What was I saying? Oh, right, Arnie is a traitor to his people,” Trump said, farting loudly enough to be heard over the helicopter. “I really do miss Sarah Huckabee when I fart now. She would take the blame like a good little beaten dog, all the time. No questions asked. Did you fart, sir? ME? NEVER! It was her! And she’d just lap it up. Like a permissive, subservient dog. Great woman, that Huckabee. Wouldn’t fuck her, of course, but still, pretty good dame, all things considered.”

Reps for Arnold Schwarzenegger could not be reached to comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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