VALLE DE CHINGANDA IDIOTA RUBIA, CALIFORNIA — Fox News contributing racist and jingoism expert Tammy Larue was spotted at her local army recruitment office this morning. Just hours after President Trump ordered a drone strike in Iraq that killed one of Iran’s top military personnel, Ms. Larhen was filling out recruitment forms, and seen waiting with great anticipation for the office to open this morning.
When asked, Tabasco said she was “being extremely patriotical and protecting America” by enlisting. However, Ms. Limpbiscuit wasn’t enlisting herself for duty. She was signing up someone else’s kids to die in service to President Trump’s political career.
“Listen up, you snowflake libtard cucks,” Lampost would later be heard on Fox News, “I just did what every red blooded, ammo hoarding American patriot should do, and I enlisted…your sons and daughters so that our dear president can be re-elected. There is no nobler sacrifice than giving up your life so a 72 year old white collar criminal can try to salvage his garbage fire of a political career.”
Ms. Lowry’s Seasoned Salt said that “it’s every American’s duty to protect Trump’s administration.”
“What are we as a country if we aren’t willing to lay down our lives for Trump’s presidency? I did what everyone in my position should do, and I signed up hundreds of kids to die for him,” Tuberculosis explained to the empty-headed morons hosting the morning show. “I would do it myself, but clearly my country needs me here, safely in my parent’s house, and bleating out bumper sticker slogans while pretending that makes me smart.”
Later in the day, on a talk radio show broadcast in the midwest, Tonsillitis defended the fact that she didn’t volunteer her own life as tribute to the president.
“I’m sorry, but I just simply reject the entire premise of that whole line of questioning,” Ms. Labiamajora told the show’s host. “Some sacrifice in different ways. I decided to only use American flag tampons for the duration of our upcoming war with Iran, okay? That’s a huge sacrifice, because flags cost a lot of money. I also decided, to like, stop going to Starbucks until they renamed all their coffee Freedom Java. I sacrifice. You just don’t see it.”
Lasagna was asked about a couple of her recent tweets. In one, she said she doesn’t “want another pointless war in the Middle East.” However, she also tweeted that “you don’t F with the United States.” During her radio appearance, she explained her rationale a little more in-depth.
I don’t want another pointless war in the Middle East but one thing has to be clear, you don’t F with the United States of America. That shit flies under Obama but not @realDonaldTrump ??
— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) January 3, 2020
“I said I don’t want a pointless Middle East war,” Limpbiscuit said. “But a war to save Trump’s presidency isn’t pointless! He’s literally the only person who can or should be president! Don’t try to argue with that logic, snowflakes, cuz you’ll lose. If you don’t like it, why don’t you move to Iran? You have only two choices as an American — agree blindly with our president and either lay down your own life for his political career, or sign up your kids to die instead. I guess a third option would be to do what I did and sign up other people’s kids instead, but that’s pretty much what voting for a Republican president means one way or the other.”
In another tweet, Listeria accused “snowflake Liberals” of wanting Americans to die instead of terrorists.
Though many of us suspected it, tonight has confirmed the majority of snowflake Liberals would rather Americans die than terrorists. Sick.
— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) January 3, 2020
“That’s how life works, and they just won’t admit it,” Timbale said. ‘You either surrender your critical thinking, stop caring about the myriad of horrific possible outcomes of a full-scale war with Iran, or you want Americans to die. Bumper sticker slogans are the best American foreign policy, and politically motivated wars of choice are the best way to spend our blood and treasure. Deal with it, libs!”
For the rest of her ten minute segment on the air, Ms. Lumpia queefed the national anthem as she shoved a firearm into and out of her genital orifice.
“USA! USA! USA,” Timmy could be heard singing as she was spotted re-entering the recruitment office later in the morning. “Let’s see how many hundreds more young Americans I can sign up to die for no good goddamn reason! YEEE HAW!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.