Trump Promises His Middle East War Will ‘Go Just as Good’ as Bush’s

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump’s decision to kill a top Iranian military general via drone strike has many on the Hill, and throughout the country, wondering if he’s pushed the United States to the brink of war.

Should Trump’s drone strike on Major General Qassem Suleimani, executed while the general was in Iraq, result in a war in the Middle East, it would certainly not be the first time America has waged a war in the region. Two previous Republican presidents, both from the Bush family, started wars in and with Iraq. George H.W. Bush waged war with Iraq when Saddam Hussein attempted to annex Kuwait and its oil fields. Bush’s son, George W. Bush, famously convinced the American public to go to war in the same country after assurances that Hussein had stockpiled weapons of mass destruction with an ongoing program; claims that wound up being unfounded.

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Speaking on Air Force Individual-1 to reporters, President Trump attempted to assure the American people that a war his administration started with Iran in the Middle East would be executed with the same successful outcome as George W. Bush’s Iraq War.

“First of off, the American public has nothing to fear,” Trump boasted. “Remember, I’m your president still. They can impeach me, but I’m your president, and as I keep telling everyone, I have more knowledge about the military than even MY generals have. Imagine that, you guys got really, really lucky when the Electoral College helped me defeat Crooked Hillary. You got yourself not only the most successful businessman of all time, who had the most normally shaped and sized genitals one can have. You got yourself the greatest military mind the country has ever had in the Oval Office.”

Farting loud enough to be heard over the plane’s jets, Trump continued to brag.

“My war will go just as good as Bush’s did, okay? Just as good, I tell you,” Trump shouted. “You know how you can tell? Because the same people who told you the Iraq War would be a cinch are telling you the same shit about MY war. And why would they lie to you? Why would Ari Fleischer lie to you? When has Ari Fleischer ever lied to the American people about a war in the Middle East, fam?”

The president kept farting as he explained his rationale for authorizing the drone strike last week.

“We have a longstanding, rich tradition in this country of Republicans starting wars in the Middle East and executing them flawlessly,” Trump argued. “Liz Cheney is the daughter of Dick Cheney, and she backed me up on this. Of course, Liz isn’t anywhere near as hot or fuckable my as beautiful daughter IVANKA, but in terms of wars in the Middle East, I still trust the Cheney brand. Don’t you? If you don’t, why are you such a cuck bitch?”

Another loud, very wet fart.

“The truth is, not only will I take my superior military mind to the task of winning this war, more importantly, I will use my business acumen,” Trump yelled. “This’ll be the first time you have the genius that brought you Trump Steaks and Trump’s Taj Mahal leading a war! You guys have no idea how lucky you really are.”

Senator Lindsey Graham was reached for comment and said that Trump has his “full faith and confidence.”

“I am a little busy yanking it to the thought of more bloodshed in the Middle East to give a full analysis right now,” Graham said breathlessly, “but I have every confidence in the world that Trump can do this. I have the same great feeling about this upcoming war as I did about Afghanistan and Iraq, which we won in, what, like two, maybe three seconds? Don’t worry, America, the Republicans are on it!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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