Trump Pre-Declares Premature Victory

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has made no secret of his loathing for mail-in voting, unless he or someone he is related to or who works for him is doing the voting that way. Outside of those special circumstances, however, President Trump has made it abundantly clear on many occasions that he doesn’t trust mail-in voting to deliver him a second term, and he doesn’t show any signs of letting up on his assault on the process.

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One reason Trump has lambasted absentee voting is that he says it could make the election results take too long. Despite there being absolutely no mention in the Constitution about it, Trump has been insisting that the counting of ballots should be completed election night. Students of American history might well remember when it appeared that Harry Truman went to bed believing he’d lost his re-election bid, only to wake up to the news that, in fact, the vote counts when completed showed that he was the winner. One of the most famous pictures in American history is of Truman holding up the newspapers from election night declaring “DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN.”

Some have wondered if Trump hasn’t signalled what his play will be the night of November 3rd, and if he’ll try to claim victory before all the states have submitted their official results. However, before boarding a plane to Tucson today, Trump made an attempt to quell any fears he might try to claim victory before the results are in.

“That is ridiculous. That is a really terrible, ridiculous thing to ask me, and frankly you should be in prison for even thinking you have the right to speak to me that way,” Trump shouted at a reporter who asked him if he’d try to claim victory before the results were verified and confirmed.”But, of course I’m going to do it, and in fact you might as well take what I’m saying right now as a pre-declaration that I will prematurely call myself the winner. That’s what winners do. They call themselves winners before anyone can tally the score!”

A peaceful transfer of power between administrations has been a hallmark of the American experiment. Even in times of great internal strife, American presidential administrations have managed to hand over the reins of the executive branch without incident. However, despite several attempts to get him to commit to it, President Trump has continually insisted on leaving his options open in regards to accepting the results of the election.

“What if I don’t like the results? Don’t I have a right, as the president, and more important a pretend-rich white guy, to get whatever I want,” Trump asked incredulously. “I’ll tell you what, though, numb-nuts. Just to show you I’m the good guy, I’ll commit right here, and right now, to transferring power peacefully to John Barron, David Dennison, or Ivanka.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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