NEW YORK, NEW YORK — A laptop found in a Manhattan alleyway seems to contain texts between President Donald J. Trump and his son, Donald Trump Jr., and the contents of those text messages have leaked to various media outlets.
Many of the texts might be well described as the usual banter between a father and his son. In one message, the president’s son asks his father how his day is going. The president responded twelve hours later.
“Who the fuck is this,” President Trump’s simple reply came.
Three days later, the president seemed to recall who his son was. The president apologized for temporarily dismissing his own namesake. Then, President Trump made a rather peculiar inquiry of his third-most intelligent son.
“Junior, I have a very important question to ask you. Please stop tweeting conspiracy theories for just a minute so you can answer it for me,” President Trump texted his son. “DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING BLOW? BECAUSE I AM OUT OF BLOW AND I NEED SOME BLOW, SON! PLEASE BRING ME ANY BLOW YOU HAVE!”
The president’s son responded almost instantaneously, almost as if he had been breathlessly awaiting a text from his father, who he was very eager to please.
“I DO DADDY! I HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF BLOW THANKS TO ALL THOSE STUPID FUCKING RUBES GIVING US MONEY FOR YOUR ‘CAMPAIGN,'” Don Jr. texted back. “THANK YOU FOR COMING TO ME TO HELP YOU ON THIS, DADDY! FINALLY SOMETHING YOU’VE ASKED ME TO DO THAT I AM ACTUALLY QUALIFIED FOR!”
The president’s reply came a few minutes later.
“Yeah, well, don’t go popping a boner of this Junior,” the president texted, “I almost always go to Ivanka any time blow is involved, but she’s off securing another Chinese trademark, so I had to go to my less-intelligent, far less sexy kids for help this time. Won’t make a habit out of it.”
“Haha, you’re so funny, Daddy,” Trump Jr. responded. “Seriously, though, it’s my really a bigly honor for me to provide your blow. I’ll never forget you for this, Daddy?”
After five minutes, the president replied again.
“So…where the fucking fuck is the blow, Junior? It’s been like six weeks since we talked about you getting me blow,” Trump said. “Some son, you are, making me wait.”
Junior told his father he would get in a jet right away and fly the blow down to D.C. There are several texts between the two men as the younger Trump flew down to the nation’s capital, and checked in with White House security. There’s a text from Don Jr. telling his dad he’d gotten back home safely to New York, to which the president responded, “Who the fuck cares, numbnuts? I’m busy presidenting.”
The final two texts appear to show the two men’s relationship returning to its more usual state of affairs.
“Hey Daddy! How did you like the blow I got for you? I can bring you more any time you want,” Trump Jr. opened.
Six days later, the president replied.
“Who the fuck is this?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.