WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Actual First Lady was, according to several sources close to the situation this afternoon, very confused. Word had just gotten to Ivanka Trump that her father had decided to not participate in the next scheduled debate between himself and former Vice President Joe Biden. This news was at the center of Ivanka’s confusion.
“Wait, he did what now,” Ivanka was seen asking her assistant. “He pulled out? My daddy? President Daddy pulled out? I’m…are you sure about that?”
The Actual First Lady’s assistant confirmed the details for his boss.
“Wow. That is shocking. Absolutely shocking. That is quite shocking to hear,” Ivanka said in her trademark monotone, disinterested, disaffected, complicit cadence. “The President Daddy I wake up next to every so often always finishes what he begins. At least he’s always finished with me.”
There was an excruciatingly long beat between when her assistant heard what Ivanka said, and when he spoke again. Ivanka wasn’t sure how to respond to what her assistant said, mostly because he wasn’t important enough to listen to, and her father and always taught her to immediately determine if someone was worthy of having an opinion when she was only four. Still, she did the polite thing and waited until the sounds that were coming out of his mouth stopped long enough for her brain to determine he was finished speaking.
“I have to say, the more I think about this situation, the less it makes sense,” Ivanka continued, undaunted by whatever it was that whatever-his-name-is had just told her. “He pulled out of the debate. Okay, fine. I wish he had asked me first, but I’m going to have to sit down on his lap and have an eye-to-eye, tit-to-tit talk with President Daddy about this whole ‘pulling out’ business.”
Mrs. Trump-Kushner-Trump leaned back in her chair, looking almost like her father when he sits in near-repose behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. Exactly like her father, though, Ivanka has a habit of intense and furious flatulation when she is deep in what she considers “thought.” Sources say Ivanka was farting so loudly it sounded like a thousand ducks were playing kazoos.
“Well, okay. He pulled out. He pulled out of the debate. Maybe,” Ivanka mused, “it just seems so weird to see him pull out because I’ve never been with him when he did pull out. Maybe I’m off-put by this because he always tells me it’s literally impossible for him to pull out or the pressure will build too much and it’ll fall off. I don’t know.
An incredible fusilade of farts came before the Actual First Lady spoke again.
“Still, I can’t stop wondering,” Ivanka wondered aloud, “how come debates are the only things Daddy can pull out of?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.