Heartbroken Trump Boys Think They Have to Call Joe Biden “Daddy” Now

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — When or if President Donald Trump acknowledges his stinging, definitive defeat at the hands of the U.S. electorate is still a question of much debate and conjecture. However, there are signs within Trump World that at least some of the people in his inner circle have begun to process the fact that Trump lost, and are trying to reconcile with whatever fallout comes as a result. Two such people are reportedly the president’s two eldest and least intelligent male progeny, Donald Jr and Eric.

“So, let me get this straight, President Daddy lost, and because he lost, he won’t be President Daddy anymore next year,” Donald Jr asked W-KKK AM’s Chip Chatterly this morning. “I can’t…I just can’t believe it. But, I guess there’s no point in denying it. He won’t be President Daddy anymore. But the part that bums out the most isn’t losing out on those sweet Air Force One rides, it’s that I have to call Sleepy Toe-Teepy Biden Daddy now!”

MORE: Trump Asks Pentagon to ‘Quietly’ Put a Dozen F-35 Jets in His Florida Storage Unit

Eric was just as confused this morning as he spoke to his father on the phone.

“Daddy, do I still get to call you Daddy after January, Daddy? I’m so confused, Daddy,” Eric was overheard shouting into the phone. “Who is gonna be my daddy next year? Is it Joe Biden? Does that mean Rudy Giuliani is going to try to dig up Ukrainian dirt on me, Daddy?”

Donald Jr. wondered aloud if he was supposed to consider Donald Sr. a “lame duck Daddy.”

“Is there a-sposed to be some kind of transition of Daddy from my current one to Sleepy Ko-Keepy,” Donald Jr. asked with genuine bewilderment in his voice. “This is all so confusing.”

Eric remembered hearing a phrase a few times over the last four years that applied now, and he asked his dad about it.

“Daddy, remember that whole thing about elections having consequences,” Eric asked, “does that mean one of the consequences is that I have a new Daddy now? I haven’t had a new daddy since you decided Mommy was too old and fat and traded her in for Ivanka, so I’m not sure what even to do with myself right now, Daddy!”

His son’s question enraged President Trump.

“Look here you little shit! I don’t even know if you’re really my kid, because you look like Gary Busey and you frankly use way more bigger words than I do, and also I paid for a lot of abortions in my puss-grabbin’ days, so I don’t trust nobody,” Trump shouted at Eric. “But you have to call me President Daddy for the rest of my life, because I am going to be president until I die. Do you hear me, Eric, UNTIL I FUCKING DIE.”

Eric hung up the phone, in tears.

ALSO: President Finds It Hard To Believe 80 Million Fuckin’ Assholes and Losers Voted For Biden and Not Him

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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